#96 What to do when you don't want to...

Read the full episode transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey there - welcome back to Your Favorite You.

This episode is inspired by me not wanting to write a podcast episode… and certainly not wanting to write TWO podcast episodes, but my assistant is really a demanding taskmaster! So here we are…

I honestly am sitting here on this beautiful summer Friday in July. Owen just walked into my office to find me staring off into the distance… He asked me what I was doing. I said ‘writing a podcast episode’. He looked at me quizzically because my screen was blank, and I was staring off into space. I did my best impression of him when he was younger and said “I don’t want to” and then we laughed. And, I was inspired to write about what I do when I have to do something that I don’t necessarily want to do at that moment.

The first thing I do is ask myself if this is something that actually needs to be done.

For the longest time, I am talking months, if not years, I wrote ‘organize photos’ on my to-do list. I kept putting it on my list. I never organized the photos. This happened day after day, week after week, month after month… I am pretty sure it went on for years. When I first started coaching, one of my coaches was helping me prioritize my time. She said - I notice you keep putting “Organize photos” on your list, but I never see it checked off, and it keeps appearing on every list. What is that about? I told her I had been meaning to do it, and I had so many photos that it seemed to be an insurmountable task. She asked if it was a problem that the photos were not organized. I said, it hasn’t been a problem up until this point, except that I keep telling myself I am going to do it, and then I never do. She helped me figure out that maybe I was putting it on there every week to prove to myself that I would never get everything checked off my list. What if the most loving and kind thing I could do for myself was to stop putting it on the list, and stop lying to myself about wanting to get it done. If it was something that I truly wanted or needed to get done, it would have happened months ago.

So, if you are telling yourself that something needs to be done, and it really doesn’t, give yourself a frigging break, give yourself some grace, and take it off the damn list.

So that is step one. Does it actually need to be done? If no, let it go.

If yes, the next question I ask is is this something that needs to be done by me? Am I the best or only person for the job?

If the answer is no, I problem solve for that, and use one of my many resources that I have been smart enough and fortunate enough to set myself up with over the years!

When I say that I am a well-resourced woman, I mean that I am a well-resourced woman. I try to stay in my zone of genius as often as I possibly can, and I want to support other people to be in their zone of genius as often as they can! This is not new for me. I was well-resourced back in my career as a pediatrician, too, which is one of the reasons I think I did so well in my professional life. For example, when someone had a billing question, I didn’t try to help them figure out their bill. I sent them to our billing specialist, Stacey. When someone had a scheduling question, when I was first in practice, I tried to help and I quickly realized the error of my ways after attempting and failing to put a patient on my schedule… I quickly learned to pass the family off to someone who knew how to completely and correctly use our scheduling software. When someone had a medical problem that would be best served by a specialist, I did not go rogue and try to figure shit out on my own. I called the specialist and used their expertise. You get the idea. 

At home, Jon and I quickly realized that if we wanted to eat palatable meals that were cooked at home, and we wanted to do it in a timely fashion and in a manner where I kept all my fingers and did not have multiple 2nd degree burns on my body, we would leave the cooking to him. If we have a home repair or renovation that needs to be done, I should be in charge of that. And, if it goes beyond anything simple or basic, I am the first person to call the plumber or the electrician or the handyman. 

Now that I am working from home, I still have so much help at my house. As my business gets busier, and if it gets to the point where it doesn’t make sense for me to do any of the laundry or caring for the plants and flowers in our house or we need someone to help us clean more than we already do, I will be the first to hire someone to help me.

So that was decision two - does it have to be done by me, if no, give someone else a chance to shine in their zone of genius.

If yes it does have to be done by me, the next decision I need to make is where does this go on my list of priorities. For this step, I love to use a glass ball analogy. Many of you out there listening likely feel like you are juggling a lot of balls in the air and you often have too many balls in the air for one person to juggle. If you have already gone through steps one and two, you can get rid of some balls all together with step one. You can delegate balls to other jugglers in step two. This step of prioritizing is next. You get to decide which of the balls you are juggling is made of glass and will break if you drop them, and which of the balls you are juggling are made of plastic or your favorite non-breakable juggling ball of choice.

What I find with most of my clients, and honestly me before coaching, is that we are convinced that all of the balls we are juggling are made of glass. So the things I juggle that are made of glass, are my relationship with Jon - my relationship with each of the boys - my relationship with my mom - my business and my clients. The balls that are made of plastic for me are my relationship with my closest friends - my relationships with extended family - my relationship with my other friends and colleagues… and of course there are other things that need to get done - things like household chores and laundry and clutter and various other things that if I drop that ball, I know that it is made of plastic - it will bounce and it will be there for me to pick up again when I have more capacity… As you are thinking on what your glass balls are and what your plastic balls are… I intentionally left out my number one glass ball because I find that most women, when they first come to work with me, have unintentionally left this ball out, or they did not realize that this glass ball is the most precious and most important, the one that ALL the other balls get dropped over and never get picked up if it breaks… Any guesses what it might be? Of course, it is me - my health, my well-being, my peace and contentment, my relationship with me - the biggest and brightest and most fragile ball in my collection is me - Be honest - did you think of yourself when I was listing out the things that we all juggle?

I cannot overemphasize this point enough. So many of the high-functioning - mostly over-functioning, in my humble opinion, and high-achieving women completely neglect themselves and forget to put themselves on the list of what is most important in their life. To you, I am suggesting something completely radical - to not only put yourself on the list… to put yourself at the top of the damn list!  Your health, peace, and well-being come first, even when society tells us otherwise. I don’t want you to learn this the hard way. I want to help my clients and all of you podcast listeners to put yourself back at the top of your list. If you drop the YOU ball, it impacts everything else.

Now some of you might be upset that I listed my relationship with my friends as plastic balls. If you are upset, you might be misunderstanding me. Plastic balls are still important. They still need and deserve my attention, AND, I have intentionally been friends with people who recognize that each of us has a life outside of our friendship. I assume if I have not heard from them in a while, that they are out busy living their life and juggling their own glass balls. I am happy to be one of their plastic balls. They know that they can pick me up whenever they would like and we will get together and it will be like we have never missed a beat. I am intentional about having and keeping friends who extend that same grace to me. 

And, another thing -with the exception of the YOU ball, your glass balls do not have to match my glass balls. You get to decide what you prioritize based on your values. Also, you might mis-label a ball as plastic and find out it is glass or you might mis-label a ball as glass and find out it is plastic. AND - the balls can magically transform - when I spend time away with my girlfriends, I am treating that plastic ball as a glass one… hopefully you get the idea! Let me know if you have questions.

OK - so glass ball - needs my care and attention. Plastic ball can bounce or be set down to pick up at a later date.

Once I have decided to prioritize something, and I still find resistance to doing it, I remind myself that this is a priority - that I intentionally made a priority for a reason, and it is time to get to work.

I give myself a prescribed amount of time to get as much of it done as possible. I set a timer for myself, and then I sit down to do it. For something like writing this podcast episode - I set a 25 minute timer, I turned on a focus music playlist, and got to work. When the timer went off after 25 minutes, I took a break - the first break consisted of washing out my large rolling garbage can, which, believe it or not, is a priority for me every Friday in the summer. If you know, you know. If you don’t, count yourself among the lucky ones. I then came back in and set another 25 minute timer, my break coincided with a zoom meeting I had signed up for regarding my business. Once that is over, I will set another 25 minute timer, and that should do it! I will have done something that I didn’t want to do at the time, but I knew was a priority for me.

This method works for me. This method has been tested on my clients. Of course it works for some of them, and for others of them, we need to tweak it. The beauty of working with a coach like me is that I will attempt to keep you away from black and white thinking as much as possible - there isn’t one right way to do something - and I will keep pointing you back to what you say you want and what your priorities are…

To recap, when you're faced with a task you don't want to do, follow these steps:

1. Ask yourself if it truly needs to be done. If not, give yourself grace and let it go.

2. If it does need to be done, ask if YOU need to be the one to do it. Delegate when possible and let others shine in their areas of genius.

3. If it's yours to do, decide if it's a glass ball or a plastic ball. Glass balls are your top priorities that can't be dropped - like your own well-being, which comes first. Plastic balls can bounce or wait when needed.

4. Once you've determined it's a glass ball priority, set a timer, minimize distractions, and tackle it in focused work increments.

Remember, you are the most important glass ball. Prioritizing your own well-being gives you the capacity to juggle everything else. If you drop the self-care ball, the rest will inevitably come crashing down.

It's not always easy, but with practice and support, you can learn to put yourself first and handle your true priorities with greater ease. If you need help along the way, please don't hesitate to reach out.

This podcast is a priority for me and I am so grateful that you are here listening every week…

See you next week!

Hey. It's still me. If you're listening to this podcast you might have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes, but you still feel like something is missing. 

If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to put yourself first –without guilt or apology–and treat yourself as your own best friend, I’m here to support you. 

As a certified life coach, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace your authentic self. 

In our coaching sessions, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, we’ll work together to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. You’ll learn effective communication strategies, boundary setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can’t guarantee specific outcomes as everyone's journey is unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. 

With more than a sprinkle of humor, and a lot of compassion, I’ll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

If you're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com. Go to the Work with Me page and book a consultation call. We can chat about your challenges and how I can support you.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching starting in late August. 

Thanks for tuning in, and remember: You’re fucking amazing just as you are.