#94 Unrealistic Expectations

Read the full episode transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Well, hi there, welcome back to Your Favorite You, where we explore tools, strategies, and guidance to help you live into a favorite version of yourself! I'm still your host, Melissa Parsons.

I am so pleased with myself because my relatively new Subaru has a wifi hotspot in it, so I am able to work on our 5 hour drive north to That State Up North, where I am a tiny bit embarrassed to admit, we have vacationed now for the past 2 summers in a row… As an Ohioan, who did her residency at The Ohio State University and whose husband is still currently employed by The Ohio State University, and whose oldest son just graduated from The Ohio State University, and whose younger son is a newly minted sophomore at - you guessed it -  The Ohio State University… it smarts to admit that we have learned to love that state up north… We are headed to a house on a tiny lake in the middle of the state with Owen and his buddies for the next week. I am most looking forward to drinking coffee and reading my book on the screened in porch every morning while I watch Jon fish from the dock. I have also scoped out some state parks nearby to take my daily walks! Sadly, Jack can’t make this trip because of his new job, but Barney is elated to be staying with his brother in his new house! So that is a snapshot of our life right now, and enough about me!

Today, we're diving into a topic that impacts all of us: expectations. Have you ever found yourself feeling constantly disappointed or frustrated, either with yourself or others? It's likely that unrealistic expectations are at play. In this episode, we are going to explore how our expectations set the stage for disappointment, and what we can do to foster more harmony and connection in our lives and relationships. You may recall that I recently did an episode on disappointment - Episode 91 - we can link that in the show notes, and I wanted to delve into how expectations play a significant role in disappointment. 

Ok, so what is the problem with expectations? Of course we want to have standards, and we don’t want to fall into tolerating behavior that our favorite version of ourself would never put up with. What I have found is that most of us set completely unrealistic expectations of other because we have set completely unrealistic expectations for ourselves.

From a young age, we develop expectations about how things should be. These expectations are shaped by our own desires, past experiences, the way relationships are portrayed in media, and a host of other influences. Often, these expectations become idealized, creating a perfect scenario in our minds. (Spoiler alert - there’s that dirty P word again… perfect doesn’t exist, people!) 

The problem arises when reality doesn't match up to these idealized expectations. We expect our partner to always know just what we need, our friends to always be available, our children to excel in every area. But in reality, no one can perfectly live up to the impossible standards we sometimes set. Holding others (or ourselves) to these unrealistic standards inevitably leads to disappointment when they fall short.

This dynamic of unrealistic expectations is especially damaging in our relationships. When we're constantly disappointed by a friend, family member, or romantic partner not meeting our expectations, it builds resentment and frustration over time.

We may find ourselves frequently criticizing or blaming the other person, which leads to conflict and disconnection. The person on the receiving end may feel unfairly judged (even if we never say something out loud - our vibe can often be felt without ever expressly saying any words!), or they may feel like they can never quite measure up to an impossible standard. They may start to pull away or become defensive.

Ironically, the more our unrealistic expectations strain a relationship, the harder it becomes for that relationship to meet our idealized vision. It's a vicious cycle - our disappointment leads us to act in ways that further damage the relationship.

So, you might be thinking, ok Melissa, I hear you. I buy the idea that this is not how a favorite version of me loves to live… so, what's the alternative? The key is to develop realistic, flexible expectations - both of others and of ourselves. This starts with recognizing that everyone is human, and will sometimes make mistakes, have bad days, or let us down. That's not a reflection of their love for us or our worthiness. This is where we get really tripped up… because we have been subconsciously tying our worthiness and our lovability to meeting and exceeding these expectations over time!

Openly communicating about our needs and expectations is crucial. We can't expect others to read our minds. (Side note: I used to think I wanted this, but upon further reflection, I don’t think I want anyone to be able to read my mind if you get what I mean. LOL) At the same time, we need to be open to hearing other people’s perspectives, and recognizing when our expectations may not be realistic. This takes practice and some vulnerability on your part!

Practicing acceptance, forgiveness, and focusing on others' positive qualities can counteract the tendency to zero in on disappointments. When we're feeling let down, it's helpful to examine our own expectations. Are we holding this person or situation to an unfair standard? Are our expectations serving us, or setting us up for disappointment?

Finally, we can work on managing our own reactions when disappointed. While we can't control others' behavior, we can control how we respond. Taking a step back, practicing self-compassion and communication, can prevent disappointment from damaging our relationships. This is one of the ways I love to help guide my clients. I have tools that help to support you as you do this! It is not a skill we are taught… though I am hearing more and more about elementary aged kiddos getting tools and guidance in school to feel their big feelings, which delights me to no end! 

So, while some disappointment is inevitable, because remember, we are not supposed to be happy with ourselves or with others 100% of the time, much of the frustration we feel stems from unrealistic expectations. Expecting the impossible from ourselves or others is a recipe for feeling perpetually let down.

So, how might we adjust our expectations in different settings?

In romantic relationships:

• Instead of expecting your partner to always know what you need, practice openly communicating your needs and feelings.

• Rather than expecting your partner to never make mistakes, focus on how they handle repairs after a mistake or disagreement.

• Instead of expecting constant grand romantic gestures, learn to appreciate the small everyday acts of love and kindness.

In friendships:

• Rather than expecting your friends to always be available whenever you need them, understand that they have their own lives and commitments.

• Instead of expecting your friends to always agree with you, appreciate that differences in opinions can lead to growth and interesting discussions.

• Rather than expecting a friend to always be in a positive mood, be understanding when they're going through a tough time and may need some space.

With children:

• Instead of expecting straight A's, focus on your child's effort, progress and love of learning.

• Rather than expecting perfect behavior 100% of the time, understand that mistakes and misbehavior are a normal part of child development and an opportunity for learning.

• Instead of expecting your child to excel in every area, help them find and nurture their unique strengths and interests.

At work:

• Rather than expecting your coworkers to work at the same pace or in the same style as you, appreciate diverse working styles and find ways to collaborate effectively.

• Instead of expecting constant recognition or praise from your boss, find intrinsic motivation in a job well done.

• Rather than expecting a perfectly harmonious workplace with no disagreements, see constructive conflict as an opportunity for growth and innovation.

The common thread in all these examples is shifting from rigid, perfectionistic expectations to more flexible, growth-oriented expectations. It's about focusing on progress over perfection, appreciating individual differences, and maintaining perspective when faced with inevitable human fallibility. We all fuck up. That’s inevitable… AND, what I concentrate on when I am coaching my favorite clients is to help these brilliant women have just a tiny bit of compassion for themselves… This helps them eventually find compassion for the other humans in their lives. 

By adjusting our expectations to be more realistic and flexible, and by practicing acceptance and healthy communication, we can reduce disappointment and build stronger relationships. Like any habit, it takes practice. But I encourage you to start noticing your own patterns around expectations and disappointment. Are there areas where you could adjust your mindset and behaviors?

Small shifts in how we approach expectations can lead to profound improvements in our connection to ourselves and to others, enhancing our relationships and overall life satisfaction. And that’s what I want for all of us. Thank you for tuning in to Your Favorite You week after week! I appreciate you all so much! See you here next week - I’m expecting you. Don’t disappoint me! That's a joke! LOL

Hey. It's still me. If you're listening to this podcast you might have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes, but you still feel like something is missing. 

If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to put yourself first –without guilt or apology–and treat yourself as your own best friend, I’m here to support you. 

As a certified life coach, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace your authentic self. 

In our coaching sessions, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, we’ll work together to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. You’ll learn effective communication strategies, boundary setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can’t guarantee specific outcomes as everyone's journey is unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. 

With more than a sprinkle of humor, and a lot of compassion, I’ll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

If you're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com. Go to the Work with Me page and book a consultation call. We can chat about your challenges and how I can support you.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching starting in late August. 

Thanks for tuning in, and remember: You’re fucking amazing just as you are.