#86 Better Than Happy with Kate Mowery

Read the full episode transcript

 Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Melissa

Hey everyone, welcome back to Your Favorite You. I have one of my former clients on the podcast today. Her name is Kate Mowry and we worked together… Gosh, Kate, how long ago was it that we worked together? 

Kate

It's been a couple of years. 

Melissa

Yeah, it's been a while. So you're the first person that I'm having on that it's not recent that we've just finished coaching. 

Kate

Oh good!

Melissa

Yeah, so I think the additional perspective that you may be able to offer to our listeners, is like how this translates years later so…

Kate

Awesome.

Melissa

I'd like you to take a minute to introduce yourself to the audience, basically by telling us about your favorite version of you.

Kate

Wow, you sent me the questions in advance and that's still really hard to answer. So, yes, my name is Kate. I am a mom of two beautiful girls who are eight and ten and they're absolutely my joy. I've talked a lot lately about how I'd never want to ever leave the house and people tell me I'm crazy and that my mind will change, but we're having so much fun. Um gosh, my version of my favorite me, I guess I should say is…

I think the best answer I can come up with is that she's the one who says no to things and she didn't exist before we worked together. So I say no to the things that I don't want to do. I say no more at work, which was previously really impacting my health and my well-being to a great extent, to the point where I was getting CT scans because I thought I was having like real serious medical problems and realizing that it was stress because I was saying yes to everything and that version of me felt like she had to prove something to everyone around her. And once I started saying no to things and realizing that I had nothing to prove - I realized that no one was actually disappointed, that there was no penalty for that - and that the positives far outweighed any negatives that resulted. So it was a scary leap, thinking of all the horrible things that could happen as a result of saying no and then finding out that it wasn't nearly as scary as I thought.

Melissa

That's amazing, amazing, that's amazing, amazing. And you… since we worked together, you and your hubby have started a business together…

Kate

We have.

Melissa

That’s so exciting. Tell us more about that.

Kate

Oh, I was going to shamelessly plug it, but now you're just going to let me do it. 

Melissa

Listen no, it's not shameless. You guys make beautiful things together, so…

Kate

We do, uh, first and foremost, right, the kids. But yes, we have been, um, we started our own woodworking business. So that was also kind of something that I had thought about as a result of coaching as well, because it felt so scary and we wanted to do it for so many years. But learning about the risk that you took and the leap that you took in changing your career and going into coaching gave me the courage to do the same thing. Don't make that face. You're going to make me cry. 

Melissa

It's okay, we're allowed to cry here.

Kate

It really pushed me, to push my husband to say, hey, what's the worst that can happen? We're going to be okay, let's take this risk. And it really wasn't that big of a risk. He has not… We haven't sacrificed our day jobs just yet, but it has been so much fun and such a wonderful learning opportunity. It's called Carriage Woodworks. It's local in Powell and we've been building beautiful tables and mantles and shelves for friends and then people who have just learned about us in the local community, especially people who are really passionate about buying local and, of course, people who are passionate about buying quality things and realizing that you can't get that at Ikea. 

So we have been having so much fun and have been able to meet so many new people through the process as well, and I feel like my husband is living his passion as a result of kind of taking that leap. So it's been wonderful.

Melissa

Yeah, so good. I think we overestimate the risk…

Kate

Yes.

Melissa

…and underestimate the reward of actually following those little whisper things that the universe is telling us we should try, we should do that type of thing.

Kate

And I think I heard your voice in my head a lot in terms of just saying why not? Why not? Why not just do it? Why not build a website and see what happens? Why not do a couple jobs and see how it goes? And we've had our missteps along the way and we've learned from them, and I recognize that that's how every business starts. Um, I have a lot of friends, luckily, that have also started like a side hustle type of business, and they've been teaching me a lot along the way too, so it's been really, really wonderful.

Melissa

Yeah, when you realize that the risk is far greater in not following the passion, right, it's like oh, like there's risk involved, no matter what. Yes, one of these risks keeps me doing what I've been doing, and one of them opens up this whole new stream of possibility for myself or my family, you know.

Kate

Right, and I think what I realized is just because we said we were going to do it doesn't mean that we have to keep doing it if it doesn't work for us.

Melissa

Yes.

Kate

And so it's like just because we said we're going to start this business doesn't mean that we're stuck with it, it doesn't mean that we have to take every job, and so it's sort of like we get to have control over what we do with it and what we don't do with it.

And, you know, we've empowered ourselves in the same respect to say no to work that doesn't fulfill us, to work that doesn't really fit our overall goals and that's something I've learned just in my career as well is, you know, not taking on work that doesn't align with where you want to be five, 10 years from now. And so it's just been a wonderful blessing that we get to do this for as long as we feel like it and then if we don't want to do it anymore. I mean, we built a bunch of tables for the Nocterra Brewing Company in Powell and I will admit there were times during that project where I didn't see my husband for like three weeks straight because he was gone in the garage. You know it was a stressful thing, but being able to go in there now and see the fruits of our labor is really satisfying.

Melissa

I'm sure, and I mean I don't know if you've thought about this, you probably have but just the example that you are setting for your daughters.

Kate

Yes, I mean, we're. We're definitely teaching them about hard work, um, but I think that overall, what they're learning is like, oh, this can be done. You know, this is something I could do and it's hilarious what little entrepreneurs they've become. I never can say that word very well, but they want to like - I'm sure I did this as a kid ,but -  their lemonade stands or their pet sitting business that they want to start. They both want to, like, run a business now. And the fact that we're instilling in them that they can do it is great, it's wonderful.

Melissa

Yeah, it's like  one of those fun choose your own adventure books like where you can, like, skip forward to the page that you want to be on and then if you're like, okay, wait, let's see what happens if we take the other adventure. Like, you can do that too. It's so fun.

Kate

Exactly.

Melissa

Okay, If you can hearken back to before we worked together. Can you remember what led you to sign up for coaching in the first place?

Kate

Well, I knew you. You know, you were a wonderful pediatrician to my girls and you and I always clicked.

Melissa

Yeah.

Kate

I felt like our senses of humor clicked and, um, what's interesting is that I didn't really know that coaching was even… I mean, I didn't really know what it was about. But when I actually got the letter from the pediatrics - from the business - that you had left and that you were pursuing this career, I Googled it, I looked into what's this about, because if she's doing it it must be awesome. That was my thought.

Melissa

Aw, thank you.

Kate

I don't think I ever told you that, but I looked into it and I just thought, you know, after reading through some of the things that it was talking about, I thought it was for me because - and you're going to laugh at me - because I thought, okay, this is my ticket to being happy all the time. This is how I figure this out. This is going to make, like, I'm going to solve life by talking to Melissa, which I think you debunked in the first, like the first session we had, which was nope, you're not supposed to be happy all the time, and so what a relief that was.

Also, I think it initially, uh, wholeheartedly that's what I thought I was going to get from from coaching, um, and I've never been shy about talking through my problems working with therapy, and I knew that there was something there with therapists that wasn't working for me. I knew that I needed a stronger relationship with the person that I was talking with, someone who would help course correct instead of just nodding along and sympathizing with what I was saying, which is a lot of what I had experienced in therapy. So I wanted to try something different and, of course, see if I could just solve life, which was, again, it was kind of hilarious that that was my initial thought.

Melissa

That's amazing. Whenever people ask me, you know, “How are you today?" Like, my honest answer is “I'm amazing.” And people think that somehow that means that I'm happy all the time and I'm like, no, actually, my amazing includes all of the emotions and instead of me telling myself that something has gone wrong and I'm not quote unquote doing life correctly, when I'm frustrated or sad or mad or angry or, you know, defeated, you know those types of things like, yeah, that's part of life.

Kate

Yeah, and I think that what this is… It's definitely, at 43, frustrating at times that I'm still figuring things out and I know that we're always still figuring things out and we're always a work in progress but feels like I should have figured this out earlier. Uh, if I had, you know, sort of known all of these things existed. But what I feel like is one of the biggest benefits of working with you is that I think that I am crushing parenting now. Now, maybe 30 years from now I'll be like, well, that was stupid. Why did I think that? You know?

But the things that I've learned from you, that I am instilling in my eight and ten year old daughters so that they don't wait 40 years to learn what I've learned, is so satisfying and so uplifting. You know, just the other night, my oldest said that she feels like she's depressed and that she's sad, and we talked about how well, you're not supposed to be happy all the time. And kind of that one tidbit of what you taught me has almost been a daily voice in my head that, like, roll with it - bad days happen. You might not be satisfied with how things are going right now. That's just life. And teaching her that at ten, I feel like, is going to set them both up in such a better position than I was ever in, and it feels so great to think that they're getting a leg up from what I learned from you.

Melissa

That's so amazing. And I mean I I loved being your pediatrician but, like this legacy that we're leaving in your family now because of coaching is so much deeper and broader than anything that I could have taught you or, you know, treated their ear infections and lice, and all the things, right?

Kate

All the gross things that kids bring, yes.

Melissa

Um, which is not to say that, you know, I do believe that I was coaching when I was a pediatrician too. I just didn't know that I was. But this is, you know, on such a deeper level, like you and I meeting for, you know, every week for six months, um, and we went even longer than that. So, you know, I think that legacy and, like, giving her the sense of relief that you felt on that first call with me of, oh yeah, I'm not supposed to be happy all the time. Happy is not the be all end all goal of life.

Kate

And just absorbing it as much as you can when it happens and sort of using it as fuel because you know it's not going to last. But yeah, I mean, these are just things, of course, generationally, that I never learned in the 80s, when I was growing up in the 90s, like you didn't… My mom didn't talk to me about anything. We certainly didn't talk about feelings to this extent - there was no understanding of depression or anxiety or any of the mental health issues that our society now really embraces and just talks so openly about. It's not just coaching, it's just this whole woke thing that everybody's experiencing, that I just feel like is going to set up this next generation for much more kindness and understanding and sensitivity than we ever had as kids.

Melissa

Yeah, let's hope so. Cheers to that here, here. 

Kate

Absolutely. 

Melissa

Okay, before we started working together, was there anything that got in the way of you saying yes to working with me, saying yes to coaching?

Kate

Well, you know, because I was so open to trying these types of things, there was nothing in the way for me. But I imagine that this is resonant for a lot of people, that it was a financial decision that I had to make with my husband, and I have an engineer husband who doesn't talk a lot. He definitely doesn't talk about his feelings a whole lot. We joke that his primary feelings are, like, hunger and tired. That's all he’s got.

Melissa

Sweet Ryan.

Kate

It's a joke but it's not that much of a joke. So I didn't actually think that he would get it. Especially as I’m… I felt a little bit like, even though I'm a primary contributor to our household income, I was worried that he really wouldn't feel comfortable with the financial aspect of it for the benefit that he would see coming out of it. I saw the benefit, but I know that he just doesn't see things the way that I do with respect to talk therapy and coaching and all of those methods. So what I was astounded by was that I came home and talked to him about it and he said yeah, let's do it. Immediately. I built myself up with so much, like, preparedness and the discussion and the arguments and just ready for, like, debate. And gosh, he was so supportive and wonderful and just said, yeah, if you want to do it, do it. You know, I hope, I hope it helps, I hope it works out and you know, let's go for it. So, I had that all in my head, apparently my reservation about the way he was going to react, because he really surprised me.

Melissa

It's amazing. Do you think he's seeing the benefit now?

Kate

Yes I do, in that one of our primary, I would say, relationship issues was how much stress I experienced at work and then how much I brought it home and laid it on him and laid it on the kids. And what I almost felt like is I had this daily quantity of patience that I could burn through and it would be all gone by the time I got home.

Every working mom feels this way, I'm sure. Every mom in general feels this way, I'm sure, because there's challenges with not working and staying home too. But it's like you have a daily allotment and then you get exhausted and I was using it all up and giving my best self to my coworkers. I was using every bit of patience and kindness and just altruism and wonderfulness on these people who didn't, at the end of the day, probably give a rat's ass about me. You know, I guess they do a little, but not as much as these people who mean the world to me, and I was coming home and shitting on them and it was causing us a lot of problems. I would just carry it around - you could see it in my shoulders - and setting those boundaries at work and managing myself better…

I was getting pleads from my bosses at work too, to back up and take better care of myself. They were also pleading with me to change something, because they saw this. They saw me heading towards a level of burnout that you know certainly wasn't sustainable, and so I decided to listen to him and them and, you know, I wish I could say it was like a drive coming from inside of me, but I realized that what I was doing was not working and that I needed to take better care of myself so that I could take better care of the people that I loved, and uh, so that's the biggest change is that I come home with… I come home with some left, some patience left, some love and kindness left for the people that need it the most, and it has made everything so much smoother at home, because they're not easy people to live with and I need the patience when I get home.

Melissa

Show me a family that does have easy people to live with. I'd love to meet that family.

Kate

Right.

Melissa

So funny. That's amazing. Okay tell me, you know, was there anything that surprised you about coaching? Like, any unexpected results that you got from it, other than me making you perpetually happy all the time?

Kate

Yeah, like I said, that very first session where you were like, oh wait, no, that's not what we're going to achieve through this. It's - that was again - that was a big relief. Um, I was surprised at how much, just, time and attention and care I got from you for the time that we worked together. I mean understanding a lot about meeting weekly - it's like, okay, well, I can meet weekly with therapists, you know. But the journaling every day - the responses to the journaling - helped me to open up so much more through the course of… It was just so immersive, um, in working with you and really getting to the root of a lot of what was going on. That I don't think would have ever happened unless I, like, checked myself into some in, you know, inpatient facility, right? So it was just because it was daily, it was ingrained in my thoughts all day long, and I think the other thing that was surprising was how much changing my thoughts about what was happening impacts my overall well-being and my outlook on other people's intentions and where other people are coming from in my relationships with others. It influenced everything. And I'm not going to say that I've achieved any sort of perfection in that, but what I have is this, like Melissa on my shoulder, who says, like wait, wait a second. You know how much of what's happening right now is your interpretation of what's happening right now? How much of what if this is the actual intention of the person who's, you know, hurting your feelings right now? Or you know there's a lot of just thinking about things from different perspectives that is always in the back of my mind. That has really helped me to get through hard things that I think before I would have spiraled out of control.

Melissa

I want to clarify a couple of things that you said. You were amazing about journaling and getting me your thoughts and that type of thing, and you got amazing results from doing that. I don't want anyone who's listening to think that you have to do that in order to have a successful relationship with your coach. So some of my people never write to me in the journal and they just come to their weekly sessions and they get exactly what they want. For you, I think it was so important for you to look and see your thoughts so that you could question them and, like, say like wait, am I really thinking? Is this what I'm really thinking? It works really well for me too. I am definitely in the journaling camp with you, where I'm like, wow, I didn't even know, like where did that come from? Mm-hmm. So just kind of getting those kind of subconscious thoughts out onto paper is so helpful for a lot of people.

Kate

It is and there's, I mean, there's certainly research about just the therapy of writing it down. That works really well for some people. But what I learned about myself is that I just have a… I am so much better at articulating my thoughts in writing than through talking, to the point where I wrote out all the answers to these questions before we met because I needed to write. I have to write things.

Melissa

Yeah.

Kate

Yeah, so that's why it worked really well for me.

Melissa

Yeah, amazing, amazing. Okay, tell me, we talked about you… You brought up, you know, changing your thoughts and that type of thing, and there are some times where changing our thoughts is the way. There are other times when changing our circumstances is the way, right. So, one of the big circumstances that you changed when we were working together - and I don't know if this is still the case - you asked your bosses if you could work four days instead of five. So, instead of changing a lot of your thoughts about work, you changed your circumstance about work. And, of course, they were like “Sure, Kate.” Just like Ryan, “Do whatever you want If you think this will help,” like you have some really supportive folks in your corner, which is fun, right?

Kate

Yes, yes.

Melissa

But going back to thinking about changing your thoughts, what are some of the old beliefs that you had about you, that were likely handed to you by others in your childhood and your young adulthood, that you've been able to let go of because of coaching?

Kate

I was always telling myself I wasn't valuable enough to ask for what I wanted. And what I've learned through a lot of reading, and probably you know, in addition to having discussions with you is that that's a very common trait for women especially, which is like oh, you know. And you can see it if you look at it that way at work, men don't hesitate to ask for what they want, and I think talking through it with you was a lot of, “What is the worst that can happen?” First of all, if you ask for this and they say no and again, every time I've asked for something, I've actually realized that people value me more than I thought. You know what I mean?

Melissa

Yeah, they value you way more than you value yourself.

Kate

Yes, and so my incredibly supportive boss again who - he's always really been in my corner and been very supportive. What I had realized is that I worked for a really wonderful, flexible company and I know not everyone has that benefit. So I thought, why don't I just ask? And I had been going back and forth on sort of a part-time full-time schedule when my kids were into kindergarten and some things got messed up with my salary and I realized that over several years I actually hadn't received any sort of pay increase and it was hard to track because it was always going up and down with this part-time, full-time stuff, so I didn't even notice it. 

Once I figured it out, I went to them and talked to them and I said, you know what, though? I don't need more money, I need more time, I need time to rest, I need time to recover, I need time to be with my kids, because I had realized how quick this time goes where I actually have them here with me, and I know that there's going to be a day - here I go - when they're not here and it's going to crush me and to regret that I didn't spend as much time with them, having fun with them and laughing and playing. I would hate myself for that and so I had to just ask and they said that sounds fair, like, they're like “Okay.” It was so easy and it just, of course, it just reiterated in my mind that if you want something and it seems fair, go with your gut and just ask for it and talk through if it doesn't work out, you know how you can get that in a different way if that's something that you feel you need. So again, I'm very lucky in working for a company that supports me in this way and allows me to do it.

Once the kids are grown up, at this point, I don't know if I'll ever go back to five days a week because it's such a valuable time to have and, honestly, a lot of companies are now moving in this direction because they realize that the actually the increased productivity they can get out of people by letting them work four days a week instead of five, because we dick around for a whole day every week. If you hadn't realized that we do! 

Melissa

Taking out the dick around time.

Kate

Yes, and I absolutely still stick to it and it's become a lifeline for my family, especially as my kids have gotten older and gotten into sports. It's just like we need it big time, and everybody in this house is very grateful that I get to do that.

Melissa

Yeah, that's amazing. I want to correct one thing that you said - actually two things. The first is you said that you are lucky to work for this company. You bring a shit ton of value to this company and they are lucky to have you.

Kate

Yes, and I realized that not everyone works for a company like this, and I think that's why I was saying that is that there are lots of really valuable people out there that work for companies that don't have these flexible policies, and I wish that everyone could have the benefit of being able to do this.

Melissa

Yeah, and if they hire a life coach who helps them see that they're not valued at this company that is inflexible, they can maybe take a leap and go to a place where they are valued.

Kate

Exactly, exactly. 

Melissa

And then the other thing that you said that I want to have you question your thinking on is… Once the girls move out and they're not living with you - and into perpetuity, there are going to be things that happen or didn't happen that you regret. You do not have to hate yourself about any of it, because we know that you are always doing the best that you can with the information that you have at the time, right? So the regret is probably going to be there, no matter what. There's going to be tons of joy and tons of good memories and that type of thing, and for sure there are going to be things that you're like, oh, I wish I could have done that over. The beauty is you can ask them at any point for do-overs. If you realize 10 years down the road, hey, girls, I really should have been working three years, three days instead of four. Like you can go and you know, ask for that, do over or like you know, whatever it is, you could you always have the chance to tell them, hey, if I had a chance to do that over again, this is what I would have done differently.

Kate

I think what colors a lot of my thinking with respect to that is - and you and I talked about this a lot when we were coaching together - but when my mom had pancreatic cancer and was quite sick, of course, at the time it was too painful for me to accept what was inevitable, and so a lot of what I did was tell myself that we had some sort of miracle scenario on our hands and that she was going to be the first person ever to beat stage five pancreatic cancer. And you know, I just couldn't believe what was coming. So I worked a lot and I sat next to her in hospice with my stupid fucking laptop on my lap and I worked, and I can't tell her and I can't change that, and I don't know why work was so important, and I can tell myself that it was distracting and it was helping me get through what was happening. But if I could go back and just hold her hand, that's what I would do, and that colors a lot of how I treat work and time spent with my loved ones now and knowing that you don't always have time to correct it and, yes, they're young and healthy and they're just kids and I, um, but you just don't know. You don't know what might come, and I want to make sure that we live every day in lots of love for the people who matter.

Melissa

Yeah, it's beautiful, and I would offer and you can take this or leave it that you had that experience with your mom so that you could learn this lesson.

Kate

Yeah, absolutely. How else would I have learned it?

Melissa

Yeah, there's a beauty in that, yep, and you know I still talk to my dad all the time. We talked about this during our coaching. Yes, you can still tell your mom all this stuff too.

Kate

Yep, I definitely do. 

Melissa

Yeah, so beautiful. 

Kate

What I like to think, though, is that she's not listening, because she's having way too much fun to be dealing with any shit that I have to say.

Melissa

Amazing. I hope my dad is having fun too. That's amazing. Okay, you ready for the next question? Do you need a deep breath?

Kate

I'm good, I’m good.

Melissa

Alright. What was your favorite thing about coaching with moi?

Kate

What's happening right now. Lots of laughing and crying. And there was a… after every time we worked together there was a very satisfying exhaustion that I felt after we talked, because it was just a purge of kind of diving deep into the topic of the week, um, and not just working through that topic but working through the root of what was happening, as you know, as a cause of that topic or what I was thinking about. Whatever was happening and it was just so wonderfully exhausting. You know how, like, sometimes you seek out that movie that gives you a good cry and you feel so wonderful afterwards. That was the day-to-day joy that I felt in working with you. It was such a healing experience. But now, two years later, the favorite thing is that I carry little Melissa on my shoulder, as creepy as that sounds.

I still hear the things that you taught me. I check myself on things all the time. I do not talk negatively to myself ever. I was so hateful to myself when we started working together and that is intolerable now. I will not tolerate myself saying those things to myself.

And I hear the things that you taught me. I stop and check myself in moments of dark thoughts or, um, just hard times. And I think overall I just roll with things so much easier because I recognize the temporariness of every hard thing and recognize that we'll all get through it and we'll be fine. And I've even had people in my life tell me that I just am such a more even keel person than they ever knew me to be before, which I'm so glad that others are… That it's so much of a change that other people around me are noticing, and I do these things now where I, like, seek out feedback at work because I'm finally recognizing that it's not a personal attack. It's a way for me to grow, and those kinds of things are never something I would have seen myself doing before we worked together.

Melissa

Wow, that's amazing.

Kate

Yes.

Melissa

Amazing, amazing, so good. I'm going to go off the questions a little bit because I'm realizing this is just the past couple of weeks I've been like deep diving into figuring out, like, how I really help people, because so much of the ways that I help people are these intangible things that you that are individual to each person and, you know, to try to describe it to anyone who's never experienced it before, it sounds like it's this, like, la la fake magic bullshit stuff, right? So one of the things I realized is, before working with me, a lot of people - a lot of the women that I'm working with - tend to tie their worth and their value to something that is external outside of them -  and I think you've kind of answered this question in, you know, prior discussion already - and then, after they actually see their worth and their value as inherent and something that cannot be taken away, given or taken away, right? So what is it do you think that you were tying your worth and your value to before working with me?

Kate

Oh, that's a really deep question, because in the work that we did and the work that I've done since that you don't know about, I tied my worth and my value to way back impressions that I got from my parents about how I was valued. My dad left when I was one and didn't seem to really want us around, um, when he sort of started his new life and I didn't realize the extent to which that uh taught me that I was worthless, that I wasn't even valuable to my own dad. Like, how can you, how can you feel valuable if your own dad doesn't see value in you? Right, your own parent.

And I've been reading this book lately called - I'm going to forget the author's name - How to Be the Love You Seek. 

Melissa

Oh, Nicole LePera. 

Kate

Nicole LePera, and I'm learning a lot about how the childhood things that you're taught stay with you until you recognize them and work through them, and how they color all of your relationships and especially the relationship that you have with yourself. So I was taught, I think at a very young age, that value came from external displays of success like earning money, getting an advanced degree, having a power job, being a powerful person at work these are the things that my dad would later be proud of me for only when I succeeded, not when I tried and failed. And so I became so overly driven by success and career because those were the things that were reinforced as I grew up.

Oh, and gosh. Thank God I'm not doing that to my kids. I'm applauding their failures as much as their success, because they tried something. So I think that that's where it all sort of came from. But one of the best exercises that you had me do was to write a letter to my childhood self, and I've since actually encouraged some other people that I know to try this activity. Because how can you not value yourself? If you are talking to 12-year-old you - if you are talking to a child, that is you, that is still inside of you, that that little girl is still there - how can you tell her that she's not valuable? How can you tell her that she's only valuable if she has a successful career or that she's only valuable if she has the biggest house? So I often talk to childhood me and recognize that I love her so much, no matter what she does, and that should stick with us for our entire lives.

Melissa

Yeah, amazing, yeah. Since I worked with you, I have taken so much time and care to actually in sessions go in and help people talk to their younger versions of themselves, and there is so much wisdom that that little girl has for adult us.

Kate

Yes.

Melissa

And there is so much consolation that we as adults can give to that scared little girl inside of us. So this is amazing.

Kate

It helps being a parent too, because I think to myself you would never say the things to yourself  - or to your kids that you say to yourself, so why in the world would you do that to yourself?

Melissa

Yeah, it's like “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?” that game we used to play, right?

Kate

Yeah, I had an older brother. I remember that game.

Melissa

I was the older sister. I remember it too. My sister, I'm sure, could tell some good stories, yeah. You notice she hasn't been on the podcast yet.

Kate

Your editor would have to spend a lot of time on that one.

Melissa

Too funny. All right, girl, let's see. Is there anything else that I haven't asked you - anything else you think that our listeners need to hear from Kate?

Kate

Um, I think I've covered a lot of it and I think I'm so excited that I get to add the longer term perspective. And what I would say is that every individual person should do coaching for as long as they feel they need to do coaching and so continue it for years and years, or do it for six months. I never felt obligated to go one way or another in working with you. It was all in my best interest, it was all what I felt I needed, and I learned and received so many long lasting tools that I still use and I have confidence that I will use them for the rest of my life. I know it's only been a couple of years, but the fact that I can confidently walk around and say that I am a great mom gives me confidence, gives me self-value, of course, instills more value and confidence in my kids, and just it's all because I have these tools. You gave me the tools that I needed to do life and to recognize that shitty times happen and those are okay too. Those are a part of it.

Melissa

Amazing. I'm thinking - I don't know, maybe we need to - it does sound a little creepy, but maybe we need to make a little Melissa on your shoulder that we could trademark and, like, sell.

Kate

Well, do you remember I was going to make a bracelet that said WWMD? Like I'm just going to wear this and remind myself.

Melissa

That's so funny. It should really be like what would my favorite me do, right, even Melissa, because I mean we might do different things.

Kate

Absolutely, but yes, I just sort of learned how to question myself in good ways to help me sort of stop and think, instead of fly off the handle and react. And it’s just made me a calm person.

Melissa

Yeah, with grace, compassion, love, trust, like all those things that we really want to have for ourselves.

Kate

Yeah.

Melissa

So good. Thank you so much for agreeing to come on the podcast.

Kate

Thanks for waiting for me and being patient.

Melissa

Yeah, I, you know it is all up to you, and I'm so glad that we didn't let a few emotions get in the way and you being human on here, uh, get in the way of you sharing your wisdom, cause I really do think it's going to help so many people, and for that I am grateful. 

Kate

I'm grateful for you. Thank you so much. 

Melissa

You're so welcome. I'm going to give one more plug to you and Ryan's business, carriagewoodworks.com.

Kate

Yes, thank you. 

Melissa

So you're welcome, I'm going to spell it: C-A-R-R-I-A-G-E-W-O-O-D-W-O-R-K-S.com, and we'll link it in the show notes too so people can just click. 

Kate

Oh, thank you.

Melissa

Oh, you're welcome. The work is beautiful. I have not been to Nocterra Brewing Company, but I think I need to go, just so I can see the tables.

Kate

Well, and they have the NA beers, I mean, if you don't want to drink you can still go and sit outside, and that's amazing. But, yeah, the tables are gorgeous and we're having fun.

Melissa

Yeah, that's amazing. Please give my love to Ryan and the sweet girls.

Kate

Will do. 

Melissa

Okay and consider yourself hugged. I know we're a couple miles away from each other, but I really do appreciate you.

Kate

Thank you, I feel it.

Melissa

Alright, come back next week, folks, for the next episode of Your Favorite You.

Hey, everybody, don't go quite yet. I want to let you know all the ways that you can work with me.

Hey! It’s still me. I’m thrilled to let you know that you have time to sign up for a consult to join our group coaching program. We start May 30th and we will meet every Thursday at 12:30pm Eastern Time for 6 months. 

If you did not get the chance to come to the webinar on may 8th  - and you like to learn how to figure out what the fuck you want and then learn about the bebefits and the values of coaching with me - you can email melissa@melissaparsonscoaching.com.

If you're on the fence about whether or not to join us, just book a consult with me. We can spend some time and I can help you make your decision. “Yes” and “no” are perfectly acceptable answers. To book your consult, go to melissaparsons.com/group and book your call right there. Have a great week!