#65 How I Stopped Abandoning Myself with Sara Fowler

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 Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the, Your Favorite You podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains, create the life you've been dreaming of with intention.

My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend. If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

00:47

Well, hi there everybody. Welcome back to Your Favorite You. Thank you so much for tuning in again this week. You are in for a special treat. I have one of my clients, Sara with us on the podcast today, and I have been anxiously awaiting this podcast because she and I have been talking about like that's good, that'll be awesome for the podcast, that'll be awesome for the podcast in multiple of our coaching sessions together. So we'll see what comes up today, but I think that you guys are all going to enjoy meeting my client Sara. So, Sara, just tell us briefly or lengthily, I don't care a little bit, about yourself.

01:29 - Sara (Guest)

Sure, well, I am a dentist and endodontic specialist and I do research and I teach at Ohio State. So that's my identity out in the world. I am a mother of two 14-year-old son and a 10-year-old daughter, so I'm also a soccer mom and all those kinds of fun things. And that's actually how you and I met is that you were my son's pediatrician. You know, when he was first born we were lucky enough to get paired up with you in the practice you were in and we just loved having you as our pediatrician. And then, years later, Ellie joined the family and you were her pediatrician as well and then heard that you had left the practice to become a life coach and first of all, I was happy for you because it sounded like it was a wonderful new adventure, like wow, that's awesome that she did that. We were a little selfishly sad that we were losing you as our kid's pediatrician, but overall I was just very just fascinated and excited for you and to follow you into this next kind of iteration in your life. And so I remember I just looked you up on social media because I was like, surely she'll be on social media as Coach Melissa and so started following you and you know everything you were saying, the posts that you were making and the overall philosophy of your coaching practice being, you know, becoming your own best friend. It really just like I was like wow, like that really just settled in me. You know that was something that I wanted to learn more about, you know?

03:31

And so then at one point I just it was kind of simultaneously going on what was going on in my life was sort of I was feeling like it was kind of starting to align or kind of dovetail into what you were putting out there. You know, because I was at a point where I was by all means or by all you know, people would observe me as a successful person. I had a great life. I had achieved lots of my goals in life. I had a job I still have a job that I'm very proud of and I've accomplished a lot with. I have two amazing kids and I think I'm a pretty decent mom. I mean that's how I was feeling then.

04:22 - Melissa (Host)

Now, I was going to say she's underselling herself people.

04:27 - Sara (Guest)

Now I know that I'm an amazing mom, but then I was like, okay, I'm doing all right, but it just felt like there was something more, that there was something else that I was seeking or looking for or trying to figure out in my life and I was thinking that maybe you could help me figure out what those things were.

04:52

But it wasn't. It wasn't so much that I was unhappy or, you know, really troubled, it's just I had this feeling that my life's pretty good but I want it to be great. You know, like I'm a good mom but I want to be a great mom. I'm good at my job, but I want to be great and in relationships as well. You know I went through a divorce and you know that was hard, but you know I can do hard things and I overcame that and was at a point in my life where I was okay with where I was, but I wanted to be better than okay and I just kind of had a feeling that coaching was the thing that was going to get me there.

05:42 - Melissa (Host)

Yeah, so good, and tell us, do you think that coaching has gotten you closer to your favorite you? It sounds like you think so.

05:53 - Sara (Guest)

Yes, absolutely, I mean even beyond what I anticipated would be possible. You know, like, just, I mean from our very first session, even from our first, from our consultation, the conversation that we had in our consultation, I learned things and was able to take things that allowed me to look at situations in my life from a different perspective.

You know, to be curious, to slow down and be curious about what was going on around me, to allow the things that are going on and allow the situations, the people, the relationships, whatever, to be what they are. Just allow reality to be what it is and, rather than trying to control it or, you know, just have this feeling of which it which I recognize with your help that feeling like you're in control of something is most of the time, a false sense of control, because there's such a limit to the things that are actually within our control, and trying to control people and things and situations wasn't what was going to make me happier or more satisfied with my life anyway.

So you know that was one of the first things I remember just kind of realizing and you know, working with you, that was like that was a huge, huge shift, you know, in my thinking and my approach and then really taking that, you know, be your own best friend. Like taking that seriously, you know, because I was just reading through a lot of our notes from all of our sessions last year and a half and realizing that all the things that I was learning the different ways of thinking and approaches that you were guiding me through, were really the things that a best friend would do for me, you know, like trusting that the way you feel is right and real and not questioning whether or not you can trust this person. Like that's a best friend. That's what a best friend does. No is a complete sentence. You don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

08:33

You know the not giving myself a hard time. I would so easily just get down on myself or berate myself internally for things that didn't go right, or I made a choice that turned out to not be the best choice. You know it was so easy for me to cast a lot of blame upon myself, be very negative toward, you know, in my relationship with myself. And now, after coaching, it's like it would be maybe not impossible but it would be really hard for me to have that negative and that just kind of like down on myself approach, because it just doesn't feel like. I know it's not productive, I know it's not helpful to me in any way, and again it's back to how would a best friend treat me in this situation? And yeah, so, like coaching and I told you, I think in our last session, I look at coaching, I look at people in the world.

09:46

I'm like how are you not coached? How are you doing this? Because, you know, it's such a life-changing experience. I'm not exaggerating when I say that life-changing and joyful experience. I've been through therapy and had counseling and things like that, which are wonderful and were very necessary, and it's what I needed at the time.

10:18

But I feel like coaching is it's less from a standpoint of like, oh, you have this problem that we need to figure out and we need to fix you, you know, and get you on the other side and get you, get you fixed up. Coaching is like we're going to accept you, and by we it's myself, like it's me accepting myself along with you and you're right alongside me as I'm figuring out all these things. You're not telling me how to deal with this stuff, you're not telling me what I should or shouldn't do. It's as a coach. You are alongside me, pointing out sort of the things that, like I already know, like so many things. I mean, how many times I was like, yeah, I like this is not new information, you know, but you're, but you know you, as my coach, you were the perfect person to be like. Oh yeah, remember that. Just reminding me of myself, reminding me that that I can, I can trust myself.

11:26 - Melissa (Host)

Yeah, it's a special relationship, I think, because the way that I come at coaching everyone is I already see you as your favorite version of yourself, and it's me just kind of constantly guiding you back to like this is stuff that you already know deep within yourself, this is stuff that you have been taught to not trust. This is, you know, just the idea of slowing down. Like we have all been taught that the way to get anything is to speed up, right, right?

So just that idea like knowing that we can slow down and we don't, there's not a rush, like we don't have to make any huge decisions one way or the other, like we can kind of try things and see what happens. And so, yeah, I think what you're saying is that you maybe sensed from me that I already saw you as whole and perfect and having all the answers.

12:34

But, yeah, just my ability to be with you as I asked you these questions and kind of guided you back over and over and over, like is this how you would treat your best friend? Is this how your favorite version of you, you know, treats yourself when things don't exactly go the way that you think, and that type of thing. So a lot of the work that you and I did together revealed ways in which you abandoned yourself, and how you abandon yourself along the way really never led you to be where you ultimately wanted to be in your life. Can you speak a little bit to that?

13:19 - Sara (Guest)

Sure, yes. That was a huge theme for us or for me in realizing that in times or in situations in my life where I made myself wrong for choices. You helped me to see that I had good reasons for making the choices I did at the time, or for feeling the way I was feeling about a certain relationship or situation and when, almost invariably, when I felt like things had gone wrong, when we really got down to the root of it, it was because I had abandoned myself in some way, because I felt like I had to do that in order to make another person happy or to prove my worth to someone else or, you know, for something outside of myself. I had just kind of been conditioned that my own relationship with myself and what was true to me and my values. Like that was for some reason expendable or that would be the first thing to go, in order to appease someone else or to just worry about what someone else thought or those kinds of things, and recognizing that I was abandoning myself, like looking at myself in a relationship with myself as that best friend.

15:03

I was leaving her behind in those situations and I think, just making that realization, that like that was that was like I don't know, like I'm not so much like a red flag or just like an indicator, like the canary in the coal mine like okay, if I stop and get curious and ask myself these questions and look because I know that I tend to do this look for areas or times where I might be abandoning myself, then I can sort of work backwards and then and like circle back around to her, like I can go back for her.

15:41

You know, because and that's the other thing of coaching that has been so amazing to realize is that it's not like we do these things and we're going to just fix every, everything that we do, and like I buy the end of it. Then I'm just going to be my highest, best self and I'm never going to make any mistakes, ever again, or never going to make the quote unquote wrong choice it's. It's like yeah, it's life. I'm going to encounter these challenges and these things along the way, these stresses or whatever, because that is being a human being in the world but knowing how to not abandon myself in the first place or recognize when I have in circle back around, turn around and go back and get her and bring her back up to speed. That has been such, you know, again added to a list of life changing things. You know that that's a huge one, the self-abandonment thing.

16:48 - Melissa (Host)

Yeah, yeah, just, it's so powerful to reconnect with yourself over and over and over again and you know, in our coaching sessions, so many times and you can vouch for this, I would say it makes complete sense that this is what happened and this is why. And you know, just making, like you alluded to it like just making complete sense of everything that's happened up until this point and why you are the way you are. I just saw quote the other day and it struck me. I don't remember who said it, I'm going to muck it up, but it was something to the effect of like I don't want to go back and erase all the mistakes that I've made in my life because that would, in effect, be erasing me.

17:45 - Sara (Guest)

No, no, not at all. I and when you look at things through that lens of you know, another thing that came up for us a lot is this is how it was always supposed to be. You know, like, because I spent a lot of time I realized in my life looking back, thinking it wasn't supposed to be that way, that wasn't what I wanted, that wasn't how it was supposed to work out, that's not the plan I made. You know, just kind of lamenting that you know, things in life don't and haven't always gone the way I planned or expected but making that shift to looking at it as though, no, this is actually how it was always going to be. You know, no, despite all my hard work and trying to steer things and control, this is how it was supposed to be. You know, like, I remember you saying, yeah, you were always going to be a single mom. You were always going to, you know, be a university professor.

18:51

Just, you know, whatever it is, things that felt like we're kind of detours from my path, just accepting that and really feeling that like, yes, this isn't wrong. Nothing went wrong for you know, for me, nothing can go wrong, because I don't look at life now as like, oh, these things happen to me, or these things went wrong and or my plan didn't go accordingly. Just, these things happen to me. For me, you know, for my like, to get me to this place where I am now, you know, extremely just, happy and satisfied and peaceful. And, by the way, my word for next year is peace. I already love it. My last year was thriving and I feel like I definitely in the last year felt just allowed myself to be out of survival mode and into thrive. Thrive mode, you know, and that doesn't mean that everything just goes swimmingly and there's no problems and things are easy peasy every day. But my mindset about how I look at it is so different.

20:09 - Melissa (Host)

So yeah, if you set the intention to thrive, you're going to find all the ways that you're thriving. And when you're not thriving, you're going to recognize it and be like, curious, slow down, what happened? How can I find my abandoned parts of myself and bring her along? And so that we can thrive together. And then it's going to be the same for 2024 if I am looking for all the ways in which to find peace, create peace, revel in being in peace mode, like, you will definitely find those. And when you're not feeling peaceful let's get curious, let's figure it out, I love it. My word for 2024 is joy. Oh, yes, that's another great one.

21:09

I know, I'm very excited about it. I love what you're sharing so far. It's so beautiful and so deep. I love the fact that you said you know even on the consult, like we got deep right away. There's not a lot of time for being fluffy in a coaching relationship, right? Yes, so tell me how do you feel like getting to know yourself on this deeper level helped you to understand the other people in your life?

21:40 - Sara (Guest)

Yeah, I think that what really helped me the most with these other relationships in my life family, dating relationships, you name it is if I have learned to give myself so much more grace for just being a human being.

22:03

I'm doing my best and I assume much more readily that everyone else is doing their best as well.

22:16

So if I want to afford myself the same grace that I'm affording them and vice versa just that we're all doing our best and they're going to be who they're going to be and it is not my job to change that the same way it is not my job to try and change anything about what I am, who I am.

22:43

And, yes, I want to maximize all the great things and become better and better and learn and grow and all those things, but I'm not trying to change me necessarily, you know, and so I just don't have a desire to change the other people in my life either. You know, it's so much more lovely and joyful to go through life just letting people be who they are and appreciating the wonderful things that are part of those people. And when there are some things that maybe are in conflict or that I don't enjoy as much, that I can have that grace to recognize that and really just let it go like I don't have to agree or love everything about every person. Just the same way I don't expect every person to love every single thing about me or whatever. We just. But we can let each other be who we are.

24:03

And it feels like such a less of a struggle in relationships. You know, like this back-and-forth struggle, I'm like what are they going to say and how am I going to deal with it? And like I would often say like I feel like I have to kind of have like an armor or like a defense in some of these relationships. But you helped me see it like what if I just put that down? What if I just put that armor down? And it's not about fighting for anything, it's just allowing it, which is a totally different feeling.

24:40 - Melissa (Host)

Yeah, a way to do things, a much more peaceful way to do things. And then I think that, just in case anybody is thinking that we're suggesting that we give permission to other people to be nasty and jerks and you know worse words I'm sure that we could both use, but I do believe that people come into our lives to either teach us how we want to be more like them, or they come into our lives to teach us how we don't want to be like them at all. And if you can see those people for whom you do not want to be like as a gift of, okay, thank you so much for showing me how I don't want to show up.

25:32

Right, whether that's professionally or, you know, as your kids get older, as their mom or as they get into relationships as a mother-in-law like all those things right, we can figure out okay, this person is here to teach me how I want to be and I want to spend a lot of time with this person, observing them and like figuring out what brings them joy and peace and all the good things. And then these other people I really don't have to spend that much time with. You know it's. You know they can be who. They are going to be away from me.

26:14 - Sara (Guest)

Yeah, and I can appreciate that gift, like you said, just as much as I can appreciate the more positive ones, but, yes, just that feeling of just having more. It's not control, it's just agency, like I can choose to fill my life with people that enhance and who bring me joy and bring me up with them, and I can choose to spend less time or not even spend less time with, but it's maybe just spending less time thinking about or worrying about. You know, those people who are joy stealers, you know, who just feel like they drain me. I don't owe them anything. So yes, that was a big theme for us too.

27:19 - Melissa (Host)

Yeah, being intentional about who gets to take up your bandwidth and your brain space.

27:25 - Sara (Guest)

Right and realizing that that's a way that I can continue to take care of myself. You know, like talking about self-care, and I've always been kind of like, oh you know, roll my eyes at that term because it has such a connotation of like, oh, I guess body, or get your nails done or whatever. You know those kinds of things for women self-care.

I love those things too, but to me, self, the self-care is truly caring for yourself. You know the actual literal meaning of those words and that's a huge way to do. It is to be very just, discerning and not closed off to people, but just, you know, making that choice of who I'm going into my brain space, into my, to use my bandwidth.

28:27 - Melissa (Host)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it reminds me of that quote of you can't change the people in your life, but you can change the people in your life. You can choose who you spend your bandwidth on, like they're probably never going to change, and yeah, it's okay.

28:46 - Sara (Guest)

They don't have to, that's right. They don't have to. They don't have to in order for me to be happy.

28:52 - Melissa (Host)

Yeah, exactly, exactly, exactly. All right, lady, what do you think? This is my totally self-serving question, but what was your favorite thing about having me as your coach?

29:04 - Sara (Guest)

Yeah, there's so many things. There are so many things I just loved. Well, first of all, I had a lot of respect for you from the get-go, from knowing you as my kid's pediatrician and you were, you were, are a fantastic pediatrician. We loved you. My kids love you.

29:27

So, then, to see you and you loved it too, like we could tell you loved being a pediatrician you know I did for you to shift to being a life coach.

29:42

I just knew I was like this is clearly what you are meant to be doing, because if you, you know, if you were leaving something that you love to do something big that you loved as much or even more, I knew right away that I wanted to work with you, and continue to work with you.

29:59

You mentioned it earlier, you talked about always seeing me as my highest self, my best self, my favorite me, from the get go, you know, and not seeing me as like this broken person who, like, had to get my shit together and I can't figure it out and I'm a mess, because, like, I felt that way, coming in like such a mess and I don't know what my future holds. Why don't I feel better about my life, like you know just all those things and you just very quickly just put me at ease at all of that, but like no, that's not how you saw me.

So when we started at that point, it was so much easier. I was able to see myself from your perspective a lot quicker, because of your genuineness and I mean all just how real you are, and we can use any word in the English language and just let it go and say whatever I want and you're never going to think badly of me. I mean you're always going to be my cheerleader. I mean, that's a coach.

You know that's what a coach does is like sees the best in you and wants to continue to continue to bring it out. And it just felt so genuine with you, like I never questioned whether or not like you were for real or like you. You know this was and it doesn't feel like this is just a job to you. This is your calling. You’re passionate about this and so it's just so easy and it was so fun. I looked forward to every week. I mean, we laughed, we cried, we just you name it went through it all.

32:20 - Melissa (Host)

All the emotions, yes.

32:22 - Sara (Guest)

Yeah, it was really a joyful and just fun experience with you.

32:31 - Melissa (Host)

So thank you, yeah, we did. We did laugh a lot and I always looked forward to our sessions too. But like so many moms from my practice have come to be my clients and you know we joke and say like move over kids, it's mom's turn. You know that type of thing.

32:57 - Sara (Guest)

Yeah.

32:58 - Melissa (Host)

And just to have that level of trust. You know, from the get-go is always amazing and, like you said, a lot of my clients initially come thinking that there's something wrong with them, feeling guilty because they have quote, unquote so much in their life. But they still feel like something's missing and they initially typically lack a little bit of belief that anything about their life can be different, and so I love that you spoke to the fact of like initially, sometimes you have to borrow a little bit of my belief in you and go from there.

And you know, if we just keep pointing you back to your favorite, you, over and over and over again, like you already had all the answers inside of you. I knew that. Yes, from the get-go there was never any rush for you to get something, or, you know, I would just keep offering things and sometimes you would get it right away and other times you'd be like I got it like three months later.

34:12 - Sara (Guest)

And it's like yes, there, it is, okay, perfect.

34:15 - Melissa (Host)

I love everything you share. Thank you so much for sharing. And you're right, I absolutely loved being a pediatrician. It really is such a huge honor to have two careers that really are calling me. And I'm so grateful to myself for listening to the second calling.

34:41

Yeah, I'm so grateful you did, and I think you know the impact that is going to happen in Evan and Ellie's lives from you taking this investment of time and money and resources and all of that to work with me is going to impact their lives far greater than you know the years that I was their pediatrician.

35:09 - Sara (Guest)

Yes, absolutely. You really helped me see that investing in myself, you know, pouring into myself is not selfish, is not taking away from my kids or, you know, my other loved ones. It's the exact opposite. Okay, so it's not selfish. Let's normalize that. Let's normalize us as women, as moms.

If you want to call it selfishness, okay, but you know that investment into ourselves is so, so important because I see it every day, and you know impact on my kids and the rest of my family, my work relationships, my relationship to my work. There's not a part of my life that coaching hasn't made better, I mean that's incredible, it's no matter what the cost of it.

36:20

You know actual dollars and money and all that. You can't put a value on it. I mean the things that I learned and the approaches that I now have and the minds that I now have, you just can't put a value on it.

36:43 - Melissa (Host)

So whatever it costs is what it costs and it's worth it to say the least. I don't think I asked you this at our last session, but oftentimes on the last session I will ask if I gave you back the money that you invested in yourself but you had to give back all the learning and the changes and the reconnection with yourself.

37:12 - Sara (Guest)

I don't even have to think about that one. Yeah.

37:17

I don't want the money back. You always say, how can I help you in your beautiful pain? And I always think about that. You know my brain's always been beautiful and you know you'd often refer to me as a badass. You know all those encouraging terms and to really believe that, you know, to really believe the things that you saw in me from day to day and to be at a point where it's not like, oh, you know, Dr. Parsons, she's just being a coach, she's saying those things because that's what coaches say, but really believing those things in myself, you know, and seeing them, you know, seeing them in the way you were seeing me from the beginning, there's no way to put a price tag on that.

38:25 - Melissa (Host)

So yeah, so good. All of my clients are like wait, she calls everyone else a badass too. Yes, people, everyone who was ever worked with me.

38:35 - Sara (Guest)

She means it. Yes, you only work with badasses.

38:41 - Melissa (Host)

So yes, so true, that should be my tagline. Badasses need only apply yes, because either way, by the end of it you will be a badass.

38:56 - Sara (Guest)

You know whether you will find that badass that's inside.

39:01 - Melissa (Host)

So good, so good. All right, before I let you go, is there anything else that you wanted to share that that I didn't ask you about?

39:12 - Sara (Guest)

No, I think I would just kind of maybe reiterate or refocus on you know, if anyone is wondering you know if coaching can work for them or would be a good thing to do, I think if you're even considering it, that's yourself telling you that, yes, you should, and there's just no way you will regret it. You will not regret it, you know. So, do it like, invest in yourself. Just take that first step. You know, because even if you're, you know like just where I was right, feeling lost and just weird about myself and just wondering you know what was wrong with me. And just asking those questions and talking about it with a coach like you, who knows where to take you. Just taking that first step for yourself is so powerful, so yeah, do it.

40:26 - Melissa (Host)

I was at a book club last night and it's a bunch of women physicians that are local to Columbus and I met a badass urologist and the group of people were asking me about coaching, because I was the only person who was there that was, I think, retired and doing a different career. And she was like, do I need a coach? And I so badly wanted to say, every person deserves somebody to walk alongside them and point them back to their badassery and point them back to themselves over and over and over again. It's such an honor.

41:12 - Sara (Guest)

Yeah, even if you aren't where I was feeling just kind of discombobulated with life and wanting some more direction, even if you're, you know, like I'm good, I still think that everyone can. There's something that a coach can do, even if you have a great relationship with yourself and your life and you know, whatever it can take it to that next level and you owe it to yourself and the people that you love, to keep leveling up that way. We did two sessions and we're taking a break. But don't be surprised if I'm knocking on your door again in the future like, okay, I miss you too much.

42:09 - Melissa (Host)

You will always be welcome here, Sara, thank you. Thank you, I will welcome you back with open arms.

42:17 - Sara (Guest)

Okay, other than that, in the meantime, I'll be just a loyal podcast listener and I'll be following you on social media and stalking that way.

42:31 - Melissa (Host)

I love it. I love having stalkers. Thank you so much for coming on and for sharing. You're going to help so many other women. Thank you, I appreciate it.

42:44 - Sara (Guest)

Yeah, I appreciate you having me.

42:47 - Melissa (Host)

All right, see you guys all. Next week. Come back for another episode. I want to let you know all the ways that you can work with me. If you've been listening to this podcast maybe especially the episodes where I interview my clients, and you are thinking like the older woman in the diner in the classic Meg Ryan Billy Crystal film When Harry Met Sally, where Sally proving a point to Harry, is faking an orgasm while at the diner. Sally finishes and takes a bite of her food and the older woman in the next booth says, I'll have what she's having. This is your sign from the universe to schedule a consult with me.

43:33

I'm currently enrolling clients who want to work with me in a group setting. The group will start on January 10th and we will meet every Wednesday at 1pm until July 3rd, 2024. I'm very excited about the women who have already made the commitment to themselves and the investment in themselves to join the group and would love to have you be part of it. I also have a few spots available for one-on-one coaching with me, if that is a way that you want to work with me.

The way to contact me is to go to my website, melissaparsonscoachingcom, and either go to the group page and click Book Now or go to the work with me page and click Book Now.

That way, you can schedule a consult. I look forward to hearing from you. Let's make 2024 your favorite year ever. As you become Your Favorite You.