#27 Celebrating Wins with Krystin Miller

Full Episode Transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intention.

My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend. If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Melissa: Hello everyone. Welcome back to Your Favorite You. I am so honored to be joined by someone who is in a pretty cool position. She is one of my former clients who is also one of my future clients. She's an incredible woman that I coached for six months, starting in the spring of 2022. She took some time off from coaching to have her third baby, and now she's joining me again for my first group starting in May of this year. Her name is Krystin Miller. Welcome to the podcast, Krystin.

Krystin: Thank you.

Melissa: I'm going to have you start off by introducing yourself by answering the question. Please tell us all about your favorite you.

Krystin: So, my favorite you? I am a number one mom to three amazing kiddos. Carson, Bailey, and Connor. So, four, two, and four months.

It's a little crazy at our house right now. Farmer's wife… so amazing husband Brady. Also, work as an emergency physician in an academic setting with a pretty cool new role as an assistant program director for our residency program. So, wearing a lot of hats. But I think, most importantly, my favorite me is somebody who has learned to take care of themself and prioritize themself first so that I can succeed in some of those other roles.

Melissa: So good. I love it. I love it. Okay. I asked you to be on the podcast just the other day when you sent me the most incredible email. Would you mind sharing why you felt compelled to email me earlier this week?

Krystin: Yeah, so earlier this week I was like kind of sitting in my office, in like my new big girl office that I was like kind of relishing, and one coming back to work for maternity leave and two like coming back not only into my clinical role, but into this new kind of administrative and leadership role. And I think, like, sometimes just distance from a situation gives you, like, a whole different perspective. And so, I had been away from work for three months. I had been away from, you know, taking a break from coaching for three months.

And I don't think that, you know, I really, when you're, like, ingrained in work and you're ingrained in, like, coaching every week, like you don't necessarily have the 10,000-foot view perspective of like, how much I've grown and how much things have, like, changed in my life since we started coaching like a year ago.

And so, like, it just kind of hit me. Like, I don't know how much my, how different my life was, and how different, like, it could have been had I not done coaching. And I was like, I—and I think I led off my email with, like, one of my, you know, things that I still suck at is like not celebrating my wins.

And I was like, you know, like, this is a chance to, like, one, celebrate myself. But two, also, just to say thank you for you know, what a difference coaching made in my life.

Melissa: Yeah. And let's just like put it all back on you. You are the one who, you know, had the gumption to sign up for, like, knowing that, you know, maybe in some aspects of your life you weren't your favorite version of yourself, and knowing that there was possibility that was different than what you were doing over and over and over again. So, you had the gumption to sign up. You were somebody who showed up to every coaching call, open and willing to answer my questions and willing to kind of question the way that you had been thinking.

You were somebody who was willing to take the coaching and then try it out. And, you know, experiment and see like, is this possible? Is this different way of doing things—different, you know, possible for me? Or is, like, the house of cards all going to fall if I don't keep doing the way I've always done?

And you know, you just kept showing up over and over and over again. We knew that when you were going on your maternity leave that you were going to be taking a break, but I always knew that you were going to be coming back. Because I think you have recognized the importance of having somebody else who has belief in you a hundred percent of the time, and seeing your amazingness and different possibilities for you, and that type of thing.

I think you've seen the benefit of having an outside neutral party who believes in you. I guess I'm not neutral. I think you're amazing. Like, try to argue that you're not. I will argue with you and win every time. But I just want to recognize you for all that you have put into working on becoming your favorite you.

Krystin: Thanks. I mean, I think it wasn't always, like, easy and it wasn't always comfortable, but it was, like, so necessary and something that, like, you can't put a monetary value to. So, I yeah, I appreciate that.

Melissa: Yeah. And what I want to point out, because I've been pointing this out to all my clients this week, so it's just something that everybody needs to hear, is, you know, no, it's not easy.

Sometimes it's hard. But what you're doing by not taking coaching, what you're doing by staying the same, is also not easy. And it's hard.

Krystin: Yeah, absolutely.

Melissa: It's kind of choose your hard. And, in one instance, you choosing the hard, of kind of staying the same and doing it the same way, you end up in kind of the same place.

By choosing the hard of change, you might end up in a different place that you like better than you were before.

Krystin: So, yeah, it's kind of like the gift that keeps giving, right? Like you, like, one little thing kind of snowballs to something else and it's just, like, small changes that continue to kind of like add up and you continue to use in different aspects of your life.

Melissa: Yeah, I love it. I love it. So, it's so funny because I knew we were going to talk about this. But, my question for you is why do you think now that recognizing your wins and celebrating them is so important?

Krystin: I think it's super easy as, like Type A, check things off the list, like people. And I think that that's why, like, we connected so well kind of through coaching, is because I think we can, like, share that. As, like, high achieving people for all of our lives, to get to careers in medicine, that it was always about, like, checking things off of a list.

And I felt like I was in this cycle of like, check it off the list, move on, check it off the list, move on. And I never ever, like, took any time to, like, step back and reflect. Like, for all of my life it was, well, you graduated high school valedictorian, so great. Now you can get into the college you want. Oh, great.

Like you got your degree, you got into medical school. Great. Like next step. And I came to coaching as a, like, second-year attending. And I was like—I mean, my big girl job. Like now what? Because it seemed like there wasn't that like—like, what was next? Because my whole life had had been like, what's next?

Like, and never taken that time to stop and really celebrate those wins and, like, realize how big of accomplishments those things were. For anybody, but from somebody who grew up in a small town with no physicians in the family, and navigated the path myself and, like, Farm Girl turned Doctor kind of story, like, right?

Like it just—I never took the time to kind of celebrate those things. And I think when you don't do that, you're, like, doing yourself a disservice. And not celebrating the positive.

Melissa: I love it. Okay. The next question is directly from your email.

Melissa: So, tell me what you've learned about the importance of saying no.

Krystin: Oh my gosh. That this is like, the hundred percent, the biggest thing that I have learned from coaching. And I could give you, like, 10,000 examples—and Melissa probably knows them all at this point—about, like, ways that I've said no. And like, it's all turned out fine and, like, surprise, the world didn't catch on fire, and my house of cards didn't come crashing down and like, because I said no.

But I think the biggest lesson that I took away was every time you say yes to something that you don't want to do or that you're not like a hundred percent all in on, you're saying no to yourself. I'm saying like, I'm saying no to me. I'm saying no to my family. I'm saying no to Brady. I'm saying no to the kids.

Every time that I would, like, say yes and just take something else on my plate at work. Specifically, but, like, also in personal aspects I guess, too. But yeah, the example that I had given Melissa, that I had sent in my email was obviously, like, I'm just coming back from maternity leave, but there's this big, like, academic emergency medicine conference that I was "should-ing" myself into going. You know, like, I should go to this.

It's like, you know, new APD. I need to go. It was going to be like the first week in March. It was going to be, like, three weeks back from maternity leave, leaving a four-month-old and a four-year-old and a two-year-old at home for seven days. And I just, I just wasn't all in. Like, I just, I didn't want to go.

Going meant saying no to like time with my family, time with a newborn, all of those things. And yeah. I was just miserable as I'm, like, sitting there planning the trip. And finally, it was just like had that, like, w-t-f moment, like, "What are you doing?" Like this, like, "Why are you saying yes to this? Like, you're going to go, you're going to sit in this conference, you're going to be missing home. You're going to get zero out of it. And like, and why?" Like, saying so—I said no. And, like, sent this, like, very short email to my vice chair. It was like, "So, I'm not going to this conference. Just the timing's not right." And the end.

And it was, like, my answer that I got back was like, "Okay, no problem." You know? It was—but old me, like, prior to coaching, would've a hundred percent gone and been miserable. And yeah. So, just learning to say no, by saying… at the same time, saying yes to myself and my family is, like, probably the biggest thing I've taken from coaching.

Melissa: Yeah. And I mean, you know, if you think about it, a lifetime career of saying no to things that you don't have to do, that are not that important, but that in the past you would have told yourself that it was necessary. And, like just being able to say no, and then when you do say yes, and it is a conference that you want to go to, and you get to go, and you get to network, and you get to learn and, like, all the things.

You know, and the kids are older and it's good for them, for you to be away, and it's good for you to be away, and that type of thing. Like, oh my God, say yes and go and have so much fun. Right? But in this instance, when you're sitting in your office trying to plan it, and you're like, "I'm hating everything about this. Why in the world am I saying yes to this?"

And, like, being able to pause, take a breath, and, like, ask yourself the question: why am I doing this? And then be able to change course. Like, ahh, so beautiful. I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay, next question comes also directly from the email. How freeing has it been to get rid of the idea that your kids have to do what you say when you say it?

Krystin: Like so freeing. I think, like, I don't know. You just—it just came to like, I was being a parent. Like, obviously, there's no manual about how to be a parent. But, right, like I just had this thought that like, the kids have to do what I say when I say, like, or I'm a bad parent. Like it—

Melissa: Yeah. This is what we're socialized to believe.

Krystin: Yeah, it wasn't because like I wanted control of my kids. But it was, like, that I felt that's what society was telling you. Like, that you need to—your kids need to behave, like, a hundred percent of the time and get in their little marching order and do all the things that they're supposed to do. Or if not, like, you're a bad person or you're, you're a bad mom. You're a bad parent. You're not—you're failing, you're not doing your job.

So, just understanding that, like, kids are going to be kids and letting them, like, be kids and be their own little personalities and, yeah. Was… was so freeing. I say what—I say no way more, or, sorry, way less than I used to. I'm pre-coaching.

Melissa: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the next question. What's the value in saying yes to your kids when you can?

Krystin: I feel like we've just had so much more positivity, like in our house and just like a, just a more positive vibe. Like it's no longer, like, every word that comes out of mom's mouth is like negative and you're playing this, like, bad guy role all the time.

It's just a much more kind of, like, loving and, I hope they feel, like, supportive and helpful than what it was. Just more connection.

Melissa: Yeah. So, good. Because like you said in the email, like, of course, no four-year-old, no two-year-old, no 49-year-old likes to be told what to do every moment of every day.

Like we like to have some choice and some control of our own environment. And you know, I think, in order to kind of let go of that role or that rule, I guess, that we're supposed to have kids that behave and listen to our words and that type of thing. It's like, no, they're allowed to have their own opinions.

They're allowed to, like, feel their feelings, have big emotions. I'm also, as the mom, allowed to feel my feelings and have big emotions, and nothing has gone wrong when we're all sad and crying and like, it's just, it's just so beautiful to see.

Krystin: Yeah. I think you know, it just… just watching them, like, kind of blossom.

Like certainly there are times where like we have to have boundaries, right? Like we live on a farm; we're around big equipment. We're like, when we're in the barn and around the livestock, like, there are clearly times where like it's nonnegotiable. You don't get a choice. Like these are, these are the rules because like you need to stay safe.

Melissa: Yes. Mom does not want to go to the emergency department with our children.

Krystin: Yes. Yeah. It's like, there's clearly times where, like, we do have to maintain those boundaries. But like the things that they can have choices about, like, they can have choices about. And my prior, like, control freak. Control enthusiast.

Melissa: Yes.

Krystin: Would like, have, wanted to make sure they had matching outfits on before they, like, got out the door to go to preschool. Or that everything was like, you know, tidied and right. I just don't care. Like at this point, at this point, like, it doesn't matter. Like why was I, like, so, like, worried that Carson wore his nice jeans to school instead of his ones with, like, 10,000 holes and stains on them? I mean, it didn't matter.

Melissa: Right.

Krystin: So, just like letting go of some of those things was… really freeing.

Melissa: Yeah, and I mean, they are all like society's dictates. Like, of course you should be in your best clothes. Like why? To go to preschool and get paint and, you know, boogers and dirt and grass stain all over? Like, it makes no sense.

Why not just let them be kids and be in their cruddy clothes and that type of thing. So. All right. Tell me about the value of allowing Bailey, your little two-year-old, to help you out in the kitchen.

Krystin: Oh, yeah, so she's—I think both of my kids, or my older kids, probably Connor, too, at some point. But I've just, and I don't know if it's because we are more connected, maybe, than we were, but like, just want to be with us all the time and I love it. They're, like, they're doers. Which they get honestly for mom and dad.

But they want to be like, be with us. And I think, like, prior me would've been, "I got it, sis. Like, don't, you know, don't mess up my order. Don't mess up my system. Don't mess up, you know, my system."

And so, you know, the other morning we were getting ready to get out the door to get to work and she, like, wants to help me pack lunches and things. And so, I give her—"What can I do, mommy? What can I do, mommy?" I'm like, "How about you help me pack Connor's milk?" And so, I knew it was on the bottom shelf of the refrigerator. I knew she could get the refrigerator door open and get it. We had bottles in, like, all parts of the diaper bag. Upside down, sideways, thankfully not spilling.

Melissa: Liquid gold.

Krystin: Yeah. Yes, that's right. But yeah, I mean, then she goes to the babysitter and is all proud of, like, "Kathy, I packed Connor's milk." And she's carrying his milk in. And you know, like, letting go of it needing to be like perfect and orderly, and I have to do it for it to be perfect and orderly, and letting the kids be involved.

And have that kind of, like, sense of pride and involvement and accomplishment for themselves. Even as, like, a two-year-old for something as simple as packing bottles in a diaper bag.

Melissa: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Krystin: I think it's just kind of laying a foundation for them to continue to have pride. The things that they're doing and contributing.

Melissa: So beautiful. All right. Tell me. Why did you decide to join Your Favorite You group starting in May?

Krystin: I knew how much that I had gotten from, like, one-on-one coaching. And I knew that I wanted to continue coaching in some aspect, like coming back from maternity leave. I didn't really, like, have in my mind what it was going to look like.

And then I think you sent me the email, probably like the week that I was coming back from maternity leave, about "Hey, the Your Favorite You kind of group coaching is starting." And I was like, "Oh, this is like the universe speaking to me that like this is the route that we're going to go." But no, I think I'm excited to, as an educator, like putting my educator hat on. I think there's a lot to be learned just from, like, observation too. So, seeing, like, other beautiful women with beautiful brains being coached and kind of living and learning through their experiences, I'm excited about that.

Melissa: Yeah. Awesome. And you're going to have so much to contribute. I'm very excited to have you as a member of the group because I know that, you know, you're going to be willing to be vulnerable and share and all of those things. And it is really beautiful to watch another human have an aha moment and you know, see them come into a situation and think that there isn't a solution.

And having her see that she already has all the solutions inside of her. She just needs to answer the right questions or ask, be asked, the right questions. So fun. So, all right. I'm so excited to have you. All right. Is there anything else you want to share with the beautiful humans that are listening to us today, Krystin? Anything I didn't ask?

Krystin: I think the one thing that I like, think about a lot, is the, as the kind of recovering perfectionist, like we like to say, it's like you only have to get it—I think the thing that stuck with me parenting-wise, or just life-wise, is like, you only have to get it right 60 percent of the time or whatever number you quoted. But it's, yeah, it's for sure not a hundred percent.

Melissa: Yes.

Krystin: And so, like, I still find myself like, "Oh man, I should have done that differently." Or like, "It's not… that wasn't perfect." Or I would want to do it better next time. But it doesn't mean that, like, it's a total failure. And I think that, that change in mindset, too, is super powerful.

Like, just from parenting, from at work saying, oh, like all of those things… being able to, like… It's not a failure unless you don't learn from it, I guess. Is kind of one of my takeaways.

Melissa: Yeah. What Krystin is referring to is the statistics. Say that in order to have a secure attachment with another human being, and in this case we were talking about secure attachment with her kiddos, you only have to get it right about 67 percent of the time.

And then the other 33 percent of the time is what was called "rupture and repair." So, you make a mistake. You recognize it, and then you go to your kids, or your husband, or your coworker, or your friend and say, in my case, like, "Hey, that isn't how I want to handle this from now on. And I'd like to try it again. Can I get a do-over?"

You know, that type of thing. And I think, again, we're socialized to think, especially with our kids, that if we apologize to them, that somehow, they're going to use that against us. Or they're going to think that they don't have to, you know, listen to us or you know. But I mean, I think that one of the most important things that our kids can learn as they're growing up is that mom is human.

Mom is going to make mistakes. Mom is going to have to course correct. And I think that if we can honestly evaluate ourselves in our relationships, and the way that I love to do it is: first, what's working? Let's celebrate the hell out of that. Because you know, most of us, like Krystin said, don't take time to celebrate, and, like, zoom out from a 10,000-foot view because we're kind of stuck in the weeds.

And then the second question is: what didn't work? Like, how did I mess that up? You know, without judgment. You know, because, and without, like, beating ourselves up. Just really factual. No drama. Like, how did I screw that up? And then the third is: what would I do differently next time? How, like, what are other ways I could have handled this? Again, without judgment.

And if you're in that curious mindset, it's really hard to be judgmental of yourself and, you know, just kind of always coming back to that curiosity. Like, why was I so triggered by that? Why did I get so upset? You know? And most of the time when we have three kids under the age of four, the answer is, I need more sleep.

You know? Or I need to rest, or I need a break. You know, that type of thing. And like, nothing has gone wrong. I just need more sleep. It's okay.

Krystin: Yeah. And I think that I like, I don't know, was in my mind like I was going to lose control of my kids if I like said sorry. And there's been so many times where, you know, Carson in particular, because he is the oldest, and we probably have more like you know, times where we history, where we have to be stern and more history.

But you, there's been so many times where, you know, you just say, at the end of the night like, "Hey buddy, I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier today. Like, I didn't, I didn't mean to yell at you."

And like being able to say sorry. And then it's been not like prompted or, or coached, but seeing him like mimic that or mirror that behavior back has been like, oh… that like makes my heart warm.

So, two nights ago, maybe, you know, he was tired. We were all tired. It was late; we struggled to get to bed. But the next morning, as he, like, you know, pitter-patters down the stairs, one of the first things out of his mouth was, "Mommy, I'm sorry for being bad last night. I was just tired. I was like, "Oh, buddy."

You know, and just to be able to kind of see him recognize those feelings. And I would like to think that it's, you know, mom has modeled that it's okay to say sorry. But he's also, of course, he's also learned that other places too, I'm sure. But it's yeah, just to see them kind of develop some of those good habits as little ones at four. Like, never would've imagined that my four-year-old would have been able to kind of like internalize those things and process like big emotions.

Like I don't. Like I struggle to process those big emotions, but to watch a four-year-old do it in their own way is really special.

Melissa: It is so good. And I mean, I'm constantly telling people. And I've been telling people for the past twenty-five years. You know your kids learn best from you when you're modeling the behavior for them.

So, you know, whoever you want them to be out in society, if you can be that in your house, then you know they'll see that. And obviously you can't do it a hundred percent of the time. This is, again, where the 67 percent rule comes in handy and it's like, "Oh, okay. I did it pretty well today. I can maybe do it better tomorrow. Maybe not. We'll see."

And there's always a chance to repair, you know, forever and ever and ever. So, so beautiful. All right, lady. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast.

Krystin: Yeah, thanks for having me.

Melissa: Yeah, I know you're going to be such a value, valuable asset to the group. And I know that there's lots of other mamas with little kids out there listening to this who will be inspired by you.

And so, I just want to thank you so much.

Krystin: Thank you.

Melissa: All right. Your Favorite You listeners. Come back next week for some more amazingness. Bye!

Thank you so much for all the love you've been giving the podcast. It is not too late to give a five-star rating and review on whichever podcast platform you are listening to this amazingness on right now.

I am thrilled to share a secret with you all. I have a new offer of group coaching for women who want to become their favorite versions of themselves. I'm calling the group Your Favorite You, because I value simplicity. This is for you since you are listening to my podcast. You will get amazing coaching plus the beauty of a community of other women who are also interested in thriving as much as they can and who will also want you to succeed at becoming your favorite you.

Believe it or not, there is great benefit from watching another woman being coached on an issue that you have had in the past or one that you're currently having. Our brains just see so much more possibility when we are not the ones in the hot seat. Another benefit is the ability to come every week and share yourself vulnerably and watch other powerful women share themselves vulnerably.

We know that shame only grows in silence and in hiding, and the power of being held by other incredible humans, who are often caught in some of the same traps of thinking that you are, is undeniable. Please, go right now to my website, MelissaParsonsCoaching.com, and click on the "work with me" tab.

Schedule a consult with me so I can hear how I can help you, and we can decide together if you are a great fit to join my group. We start in May. And the women who have already said yes to themselves and to the group are a wonderful group of humans. We're all on a journey to becoming their favorite versions of themselves.

Join us. You won't regret it.