#119 Emotional Health and Wealth with Kirsty Knight

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Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hello everybody. Welcome back to Your Favorite You.

We are so lucky today to be joined by one of my former clients and actually one of my friends who lives across the pond in Wales. And her name is Kirsty. I had to look it up today, Kirsty, because it's been over a year ago that we started working together. It was July 2023. And I was like, oh, holy hell, has it been that long?

So Kirsty and I met actually in a business mastermind that we were in together. And then during the course of the business mastermind, Kirsty reached out to me because she wanted to do some one-on-one general life coaching. So, so much has changed for you, especially since we work together.

At the end of every coaching relationship, the completion, I ask my clients, you know, to come on the podcast and at the time that Kirsty and I finished, I think she said, you know, no, thank you, not yet. And then she reached out to me last week and wanted to catch up and propose that she come on the podcast 'cause she wanted to talk about her relationship with me as a coach and everything that has changed and you know, where she is now compared to where she was then.

So what is it that made you want to come on the podcast now, Sweet Kirsty?

Kirsty

Well, actually I'm having a conversation with someone else that we know. She's my business bestie, Teresa Hogg.

Melissa

Oh yes, hi Teresa.

Kirsty

I know she's lovely. And so we were just catching up and coaching as we do and and we were talking about just like internally how we were feeling about just life in general and things and business and stuff. And we got, we started geeking out on the topic of emotional wealth and emotional poverty and financial wealth and financial poverty and really the value of feeling good emotionally because we don't often put an actual value on it. Like, well, we value financial, you know, wealth higher than emotional wealth sometimes. Often I think a lot of people do.

And sometimes, you know, you, you really feel it when you're, you know, stretched for cash for sure. It's a real thing, you know. But actually both of us were talking about how good we feel internally, emotionally, even though our circumstances externally, financially are not, you know, we're not rolling in it. We're not millionaires. You know, we have goals in our business that we're not there yet. Obviously we have goals. And so, yeah, despite us, it's not like we were celebrating, Oh my God, we've just, you know, hit the million mark in our business, anything like that. And we were feeling so great. We were just sharing that, you know, business is good, it's like picking up or whatever. We're doing fine in business, but more importantly, we both feel great. And I was just reflecting on it actually.

And then I thought I would reach out to you because when we were working together last year I was in a hole. I just felt like I was in a hole. I was really emotionally struggling and I don't think I'd ever.

Been that low, at as low a point as I got last year. It was very strange. But I even, I mean this is how low I got. I hate the cold and even though I live in Wales and I my partner is all into his fitness and health and all of this stuff and he had an ice barrel in the garden that he was getting into for his health and fitness and recovery. I was not going to do that ever. And then I heard somebody like a little snippet on a reel somewhere that said that it was really good to boost your mental health, like to make you feel good. And I felt so miserable at the time that I was like, fuck it, I'll try anything to make me feel better. So I was like, oh, maybe I should just get in the barrel. So I got in the barrel and I just, to be fair, I did feel great when I got out. Anyway, that was, I mean, that was just like a snapshot of actually how low I felt last year.

Melissa

Yeah, you were desperate. You were going to get into an ice bath in Wales.

Kirsty

Yeah. And so I feel like at the end of us working together, I was still, I was still working through a bunch of stuff. Like emotionally and I still didn't feel, you know, energized and excited about my business and my life. I mean, I had good things happening. I was pregnant at the time that we finished and I was super excited about that and ready for that and looking forward to that. But in terms of my business, my business is like a big deal. I've always wanted to be a business owner. I've been a business owner for years and years and years. I've always been self-employed. And then I started my coaching business in 2020 and I love coaching and I love my coaching business. And so the fact that I was in a bit of a hole regarding my business was, you know, it was a big deal and I really wanted to be, you know, coming out the other side because I loved coaching. Even then I loved coaching, but I really felt a few things had happened that had sent me off into a bit of a spin about coaching and about my coaching business. And then I just couldn't seem to get out from underneath all of the stuff that I felt internally.

So when we finished working together, I didn't feel like there was anything to celebrate, to be honest. Because it felt kind of, I was like, oh no, I'm still broken. But this year, and that's why I wanted to reach out, because I actually felt like last year, because I was in such a hole. 

It was basically a couple of things that happened externally that made me question if it was okay to be coaching, and if it was okay for me to be charging when I was charging, and if it was okay for other people to be doing that. And I sort of started questioning that. I also felt burnt out in my business as well. And I was having voice issues from coaching one to one so much, and I was trying to move to group. And I had a lot of, well, I call it PTSD from launching a previous group. So then I was scared of launching another group because I didn't, the last group didn't go the way that I wanted it to. And so there were a few of those things that sort of triggered it, if you like.

But then when I was in my little hole, I was questioning like, do I want to carry on with this business or is this actually what I want to do? And, you know, am I any good at this? And all of those things. And so I actually felt like I was very uncoachable to you. I think I was a difficult client, if you like.

Melissa

I loved coaching you.

Kirsty

I think I was a very difficult client. But I wanted to reach out because I am in such a better space, but also I'm so grateful because not even though not every session it felt like I was having a major shift, like I didn't feel great at the end of, you know, our six months together or whatever. And you could take that and use it against yourself as a coach and be like, oh, my client wasn't, you know, in the place that I wanted her to be by the time she got there.

Actually, some of the sessions that we did that were on some of the deeper stuff really shifted, like stuff that I didn't even know that I had going on. That was of course impacting my thoughts about my money, my thoughts about my pricing, my thoughts about selling and all of those things and selling in a financial crisis and paying this much for coaching and all of those things were my thoughts and feelings and sort of actions around that was of course impacted by, you know, deeper stuff that I wasn't even aware of before I started working with you.

And actually some of that stuff now I feel so neutral about, I have no, no drama about and that's huge. So it's like I can recognize that I finally made a shift, but it was because we'd had a couple of deeper sessions, you know, within that six months that had moved it for me. And I wanted to share that actually, you know, it works. It worked.

Melissa

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's interesting because I think that a lot of clients have an agenda when they sign up to work with a coach and they have a little bit of impatience to work through whatever is holding them back to get to the next thing. And often we don't come to the realizations that we were coached on until years later. So yes, if I was holding my self-worth as a coach, as to whether you were making leaps and bounds and, you know, having this toxic positivity and pretending that you were any place other than you actually were, then it would have been very difficult for me to coach you.

Kirsty

Right.

Melissa

And because one of my values in coaching is to meet the client right where they are and to not have an agenda for them necessarily, you know, of course I want you to reach whatever agenda you have, but it doesn't have to be in the six months or the year or whatever that we work together, it's okay with me that a year and a half later, you're like, Hey, I've come to all these realizations, and they-- a lot of them are because of the work that we did together back in 2023.

And to me, you know, when you left me the WhatsApp message, you know, telling me all these wonderful things, I was like, Oh, this feels like such a nice, warm hug to get from Kirsty and to here, like, oh, like, Just like me, when I come to my realizations months, weeks, years later from the coaching that I've received, I'm like, oh, yeah, this is how it actually works. Right? It doesn't have to be in this one container. There doesn't have to be, you know, a timeline that we set out for ourselves.

And in fact, I think if we set a timeline, basically, we're just setting expectation so that we can be disappointed. And oftentimes, unfortunately, that's how most of us have been dealing with life for decades. And that feeling disappointed and, you know, beating ourselves up for not getting where we wanted to go in the time and in the linear fashion that we wanted to, you know, that actually feels better because it's more familiar to be disappointed in ourselves and to be impatient and to, you know, whip ourselves into shape and that type of thing.

Where, you know, a lot of the coaching that I try to do with my people is like, okay, wait, like how can we slow down? How can we, you know, not make it about reaching a certain, you know, euphoria about our life? Because, you know, I'm here to tell you that sometimes life is hard and sometimes life sucks and sometimes circumstances happen and you know, life is not going to be all rosy all the time. And it's how you treat yourself when it's not rosy, and it's also how you treat yourself when things are going well.

Right? So many of us want to make it a fluke when things are going well, or we want to make it, you know, it somehow magically happened. And it's like, no, you, you are the common denominator. You did this. Like, let's not minimize it. Let's not minimize the pain and let's not minimize the joy.

Kirsty

Yeah. So good. I mean, and that was another thing that I wanted to reach out to say thank you for as well, because actually, I don't think, well, there were a couple of things. One, it was so weird, but when we started working together, I don't know if you remember, I was doing a hypnosis certification at the time.

So I was and and the teacher who I had, Melissa Tiers, she was basically teaching therapeutic modalities and things that you, you know, tools that you use to do exactly what you were doing on me, basically, you know, like go back to your childhood and like, you know, looking through a different lens at what was going on and making a different meaning and making a different story about yourself. And I was learning how to do that with my clients. And I was doing it with my clients and loving the work and you know, doing that, but it's so bizarre. But I never once looked in the mirror and thought this is what I need too. I was so I think like on the surface, like thinking that my problems were surface level. And I wasn't expecting that to come out of our coaching. And there were several sessions that we did that actually were exactly that, like back to my childhood. And those were the ones that basically really shifted some deep rooted stuff in me. And some of the, yeah, the feelings around money and all all the rest of it. I didn't even, I wasn't even aware that that was what was.

Melissa

Yeah, the programming that was running in the background, basically, right.

Kirsty

And you really helped me see that the relationship that I have, you know, with my dad and I love my dad. And I think I was scared to sort of go then and alienate him, like make him the enemy in all of this. And I have a totally different view now. Like, I don't view him as the enemy at all. Like he did the best job he could at the time. I'm sure I'll fuck up my daughter's life just like he did mine without meaning to. Although I am a coach, so I should be better at it now. I'm still going to make mistakes, I know.

Melissa

Uh oh. We're going to coach on that girl.

Kirsty

Yeah, I don't make it mean anything bad towards him. I have no bad feelings towards him. But I really couldn't see the links between, oh, this is how I was raised. And this was, you know, the things that he told me when I was a kid. And I really made that mean something about me or something, something about how I should show up in the world. Like and and I've and you really helped me make that connection between those things.

And then the other thing that you did was pointing out how mean I was to myself. You did it like multiple times throughout our whole coaching. And I remember like, I don't. I just I have like a random memory of just one of our sessions where you were like, well, you're so mean to yourself. You just said it. And I was like, I don't think I'm mean to myself. And I genuinely was like, I don't think I'm mean to myself. I don't think that this is a mean comment. You know It's a mean thought that I have about myself. It just feels very true, neutral type thing.

Now, I am so much a nicer person to myself than I was before. And it's so lovely. I tell you, it's one of the nicest things. It's like, I really do treat myself like I'm my best friend. Like, you know, like I really love myself so much more than I did before. I really have so much more compassion and softness with myself in the same way I think that you were gentle and soft with me. And that was one of the things I think that you did so expertly and why I joined, you know, signed up with you anyways, that we were in a group container and you coached me in such a gentle, soft way.

And I think I had had like almost like a tough exterior that nobody could really, you know, break as like a protection mechanism. And I've just gone through life. And I think, again, my dad, you know, tough old farmer guy, I'm sure that he created that in me. And it wasn't okay to cry, and it wasn't okay to be vulnerable. And I found it very difficult. And for some reason, you managed to like, prize that shell open in that first session.

And I think I was so, you know, moved by it that I thought, oh my goodness, I think I need more of this. And I actually think in a weird way, it kind of allowed me to, not collapse, but you know, like it allowed me to fall properly harder than I had, would have allowed myself. And I needed to get to that point where then I could build myself back up. And I think I wouldn't have allowed that had I not been able to be that vulnerable and yeah that open about the things that were really you know making a meaning about me that was not good.

Yeah and so I'm so grateful for that because it's, it's I don't know if I've explained that very well, but yeah, I think that a combination of you being so gentle and kind and soft with me in our coaching enabled me to be more kind and gentle and soft with myself, which actually gave me exactly what I needed at the time.

Melissa

And I mean, I think most of us as women have been socialized to be hard, to put up walls, you know, that we need to do that to protect ourselves and that type of thing. And I think that, you know, coaching - and I will say coaching with me - provides a soft place where you can come just as you are. You don't have to pretend. You know, you can tell the truth. Like, if you can't be honest with me, who the hell can you be honest with?

And, you know, you've worked with a lot of coaches. I know, you know, peer coaching and, you know, coaching that you've purchased, obviously, and you know containers that you've put yourself into. I'm curious if you can speak to what it was about me that made you feel safe to open up and be vulnerable. Was it just my dogged persistence at like, let me in, I want to be nice to you, or?

Kirsty

Oh, it's a good question. I mean, I think that… I think there was a moment in that room, like in the- So we were in this group container, you know, everyone was getting coaching and a couple of things in my coaching sort of hit a nerve that I started to get a little bit upset about. And I was sort of trying to keep it together. I think that's just my default like, oh God, you know, like don't don't be breaking down in here. You know, it's embarrassing. As I was trying to sort of you know silently weep in the corner and not make a scene not make a fuss not take up space all of that stuff going on. And we had really like you'd done the rounds in that room and I think it was lunch. We were supposed to be going for lunch and you turned to me and you said hang on we're not going anywhere. You're not leaving like this.

And that was I mean one thing. It was like dogged persistence I guess in you know we're not. Yeah like this isn't OK for you to leave in this state. There is something going on here that we need to talk about and that because I think if you hadn't done that I think if you'd just been like OK lunchtime off we go you know and we're done. I would have you know wiped my tears and then gone off with the rest of it. I'd have been OK. But I think again it would have been it's like a a patching up you know I would have put like a Band-Aid over the top of it and then muscled through and maybe I would have hustled through a bit you know maybe maybe I would have done OK in that container and you know maybe I would have pushed harder and hustled for my goals and who knows. I don't think that that would have been the best thing for me. And I think ultimately I would have broken down further down the line. So I actually think that you know and and you unpacked it a bit and it was all around you know a container like a group that I had run and I was making it mean that I'd failed you know somewhat and it felt terrible.

And you know and you were very gentle and kind and soft and you would probing like deeper and deeper as to what the problem was in a very kind loving way. And that really I think you know it made me feel seen and like you cared and like it mattered. And like it was okay for me to share. 

And it's so bizarre isn't it? Because I've done this in subsequent containers or you know in group containers found it very hard to open up still you know in those sorts of spaces. But you know thank goodness in that space you were there basically opened that conversation up for me. And then I thought oh goodness I clearly need help like this. And that was really what started you know that's why I reached out initially. Because I could tell okay there is something here that is holding me back that I don't know how to fix on my own.

Melissa

Well and I mean you kind of have spoken to that a couple times right? And you know it's why I will always have some sort of coach who's looking at my brain because we can be very aware of you know quote unquote what the problem is with other people and have that exact exact same problem within ourself or something very similar and think it's not a problem and keep going on and that type of thing. And so I think it's important to know that you know for me at least as long as I am coaching other people I too will have a coach and I too will be doing the work. And if I need to go to therapy I will go to therapy. Like you know I'm not afraid to you know uncover all these things that I need help with. And you know most of the time what I tell folks is you know I'm not going to ask you to do anything that I would not be willing to do myself. And I think that that creates a bit of safety for people.

And just thinking about it now and talking to you about it now like my willingness to be vulnerable, my willingness to share you know stuff that I've gone through and stuff that I've worked through. And you know me, I'm pretty much an open book.I do think that that makes people feel safe because of my authenticity.

Kirsty

Yeah, yeah. I 100% agree. I think because there are different relationships you can have as a coach and a client. And I think the one that I had with you was very much, I mean, you were very much like I'm not above you. I'm not you know like I you know I'm not it's not there's not this hierarchy here like when you're human you know we're we're here to help each other out and that worked really beautifully for us and it does it it fosters connection and and actually in that room you know where I did breakdown and and bawl my eyes out multiple times after that.

Melissa

You're welcome.

Kirsty

It's just one of those things that's like actually the thing that we are so afraid of you know to be vulnerable in front of other people. And even now I still struggle with it sometimes in certain rooms. I you know I don't feel safe to be that vulnerable. It shields you from any connection like real connection that you could actually have. Because every time I have you know in that container when every time you coach me in front of the others and I did break down and cry it fostered such a wonderful sense of connection with the other women in there. And we have such a lovely friendship group I think because they saw me bawl and because I saw them cry and you know like it. You really it does foster connection rather than the opposite. And we're so afraid of for some reason like the opposite will happen. Like if I'm vulnerable here and really you know show what a hot mess I am on the inside then nobody is gonna you know they're gonna think something about me or nobody's gonna refer me or tell people that I can help them with their business. You know all of those sorts of things there are those fears running around.

Melissa

Right. Well and I mean let's be clear about it. That is physiologic. You know, evolutionary. You know, if I'm the weakest link if I'm the weakest you know lion cub like I'm going to be taken out.

Kirsty

Yeah. And it's strong. It's like a strong survival skill.

Melissa

And I mean it has helped us survive for you know multiple generations so it makes sense that it's there and you're right. You know the willingness to crack yourself open and be vulnerable and show people all the bits of you you know is what makes other people feel safe in your presence and want to connect to you and you know all of that kind of good stuff.

You said something and you kind of glossed over it and I want to go back to it if you don't mind you were talking about how you are nicer to yourself. So tell people if you can give an example like pre-coaching with Melissa Kirsty like what would that look like versus now?

Kirsty

So pre-Melissa. Well so the group is a good example. So I launched a group. I launched the first group which was great. I loved it and I sold like 19 spots on it and that was great.

Melissa

Tell us who you coach and you know what you help people with.

Kirsty

Oh OK. I coach other business owners a mix like some online business owners some coaches some consultants but some website designers sort of a mix of service based businesses and then some small business owners sort of I have like a farmers wife who puts together like tasty deli boxes and cheese boxes. So it's sort of a range of businesses all women mostly mums. 

And I coach them specifically on time and productivity. So like a range from overworking working themselves into the ground no work life balance across to like you know terrified of taking action procrastinating perfectionism. Not overwhelmed, not really doing much in their business spinning out you know so a range of time and productivity getting time back working more effectively.

And I did that because I had a small business that I worked myself into the ground on and had no work life balance and I managed to streamline that business and hire help and you know put in place systems and step away from that business habit run without me. And I did that through getting coaching. I would not have done that without coaching on my fears of hiring help and you know.

So my first group was like yeah picking bold action in your business and I sold it and I was so stoked and I loved it. I had 19 people. The second time I launched that same group I only got four people sign up and so I had this you know like out the gate success with my first group and then I just embarrassment. And feeling like a failure that oh my God I only managed to get four people into this group. And I really made that mean that something terrible had gone wrong and I was, you know, not good.

And then because I had sold only a few spaces but I'd you know undercharged it for the number that was in that group. I started to not love showing up to those sessions. There was sometimes only one or two people there. And I was sort of you know because I was making it mean such as something big about me. Like I had failed and this was so embarrassing that people could see that I only had two people in my group. Shock horror. And I mean I really I'm joking about it now but at the time it was like I found it humiliating and embarrassing and hard.

Melissa

Lot’s of shame.

Kirsty

Shame and resentment towards my clients which felt terrible because I really loved my clients and then I wasn't showing up as well as I wanted to for them. Anyway so that's sort of that was one example right? You actually coached me on feeling like a failure on that group. That was what the coaching was that sort of triggered that because I was trying to launch a new group and I just had yeah PTSD from running this group. It was like shame around how I showed up. What happens if I launch it again and nobody signs up for it and you know it's a fail.

And I know I know I'm not alone in this particularly in the coaching world. You know it's quite common. You try to launch a group, you only get a few spots. You know it doesn't have to be a big meaning when you take it. It doesn't have to be a big fail. You know it can just be a lesson. Oh I need to reach more people. I need to recruit more people or whatever. But I was so terrified of doing that. And so yeah I was basically just feeling like a failure thinking I had failed.

I also had like a whole kind of crisis of confidence for some reason in the middle of working together where I was and I think that was tied to the money thing around, you know, people talking about people have no money. We're in this economic crisis all of that stuff. And then I started questioning like oh God can I actually charge this much? Is this OK to charge this much? Who am I to be charging this much? Am I even that good? So I had all of that stuff going on which felt horrible. 

Post-Melissa coaching and actually learning to be kind to myself. So I've just launched 4 programs actually. Like four groups this past year. And the first one I think I got eight people in and I had no no thoughts about it being a problem. I also launched like a mastermind with a couple of clients who signed up. And to be honest I was like if one person wants this because I was like I'm going I want to map out the program. I want to coach on this. This is what I'm doing. If one person signs up I'm all in. And I had two sign up for this mastermind thing. So I was like, amazing.

I did another program, I got another four sign up and then I think another one I've got like 5 signed up and I have no shitty thoughts about it. Like, no, it's so amazing. Honestly, this, this, it's this might not sound like a revelation for anyone else, but for me. This is so amazing. I'm not telling myself that I'm shit I'm not telling myself that it's embarrassing. I'm not telling myself that it's not worth my time, that I failed, that it's not a good start. Like, I'm just telling myself none of that stuff. And instead, I'm like, I'm loving my business and I'm loving myself for doing it. I'm like, Oh my God, I came up with an offer. I put it out there. I'm trusting myself to go with my ideas and not shut them down. I believe that I'm an excellent coach. I love coaching. I feel like my marketing is great, my selling is good. And there are like a couple of pieces that I need to work on like lead gen and all the rest of it. And that's not a problem. And I'm not making it mean anything about me. And I'm actually I'm showing up to my calls. It doesn't even matter if there's one. I will coach my heart out. You know I feel like I have completely flipped the script on how I treat myself regarding everything in my business.

Like if money comes in I'm like amazing. I made a sale, if a client gets a great result I'm like buzzing. If a client is like I'm still struggling with this I'm like OK let me think about how are we going to solve this and then I'll coach on it and I'll come. And I'm not making it mean. I didn't teach it well enough. I didn't do a good enough job. I'm not a great coach. Like none of that nonsense.

Yeah, just as an example, that's probably the cleanest example that I can give. That is like a direct contrast between feeling like an absolute failure and like having just no, no shitty thoughts about it. And it's so freeing or like even the amount of money that I made.

And I'll tell you, like, so prior to 2022 or whatever, I made over 100 grand in my business. Amazing. Loved it. Coached my clients. I was one to one to ones. Fabulous. But I hustled for that goal and I was like my worth was tied to that goal.

And then I had health issues voice issues I couldn't sustain that much talking. So I was like, I need to move to group. That's where Melissa came in because it was like, OK, I'm, I'm terrified of launching another group because I've made it mean such terrible things about myself. So I was just getting in my own way. Honestly, the amount of…

Melissa

You made it mean terrible things and then you treated yourself like shit So of course you didn't want to do it again.

Kirsty

Yeah, I know. And I was like, oh, this is going to be horrific. And so, yeah, I was absolutely just so resistant. I couldn't move. I could not get out of my own way to launch that group. And then yeah so that was like at the beginning of the year. And then I stopped selling because I wasn't OK with launching a group. I felt like if I launched this group and it's a fail this is going to be a disaster. Yeah I stopped selling and I also stopped my one to ones. And so my income went right down. I think I made like 6K that year. So bizarre.

And I do remember that the mastermind that we were in. Like every month they were posting we had to post our numbers, our revenue numbers. Yes, look at our numbers. And it was so so good so valuable for me because actually I was doing this in conjunction with the coaching with you. And what I realized at the end of that year is that I could see other people. So it's like with such heaviness around their figures like oh they only made and it didn't really matter what the figure was. Like it could have been like I only made 100 grand or whatever.

Melissa

I only made $750,000 this year. I didn't meet my goal.

Kirsty

Right. And they were crushed. Like they were so attached to the goal just so attached to the making it mean something about them whatever. And I could recognize it. And before I'd never been able to recognize it.

So that was like a sign. I was like oh hang on a minute. I'm totally distancing myself from my figures and the meaning around it. And I got to the point, and even now, I have no shame around my figures at all. And that is so fucking freeing, I tell you.

Like to be able to basically sell and, you know, if you make money, great, if you don't, you troubleshoot, but you don't make it mean that you are never gonna hit your goals, you're never gonna succeed, you're, you know, not good enough. Like any of the stories that you tell yourself around your financial success which makes it so heavy and so hard to operate in your business from. And it makes you hustle because you're like oh God I have to yeah prove my worth here. It's like light years apart now. Literally I do not. I'm not hustling for anyone. I mean I couldn't even if I tried 'cause I've got a seven month old baby. But you know I'm literally doing a couple of hours a day on my business and it feels so nice. It feels so good. And I feel like I'm building it from the ground up. And I love my coaching. I love my clients.

And it's just yeah I'm just so nice. And even if I you know if I have a failed anything like any failed expectation or anything that I didn't go quite go to plan. How I am with myself is like but you did so good Kirsty. Like you, you know you're doing so great. Don't you stress about it. You know we're going to get it. It's just so nice. Honestly I can't tell you.

It sounds so cliche doesn't it? It's like talking to yourself nicely like being self-compassionate self-care like it all sounds like such a cliche. Like it doesn't really make a difference and like it's a bit of fluff and it is so it's like invaluable if you learn how to talk to yourself nicely and learn how to treat yourself nicely because it does it completely removes the fear of failure. And that's the thing that stops everyone from trying new shit So now I'm like, oh, I'm going to put a new offer on there, a new program. And I don't care if it fails. I'm like, oh, that didn't work. OK, I'm trying something different. Oh, it's so freeing.

Melissa

Yeah. Thank you, next, right?

I'm wondering if you've thought about this at all. And you may have and you may have an answer right away, but you might have to think about it. You mentioned being a mom to a seven-month-old sweet little Miss Fern. How do you think that you are a different mom because of coaching?

Kirsty

Oh my goodness. I think about this all the time. I am so grateful that I found coaching. I'm so grateful that I became a coach but also that I just found coaching in general. I mean, like I said at the beginning, I'm sure that I will do things that will fuck her up. You know, as you will, you know even with the best intentions. And that's OK because I have lots of great coach friends and all the rest of it. And I'm going to be like, you do coaching on me. I'll just direct her down the line. I'll be like, you can go get healed up nicely with these experts.

But oh, my goodness, I just feel like I'm so much nicer to myself as a mum too. Like literally that this whole year has been a bit of a washout in terms of, you know, just a number of hours I've had to work, so. I mean, she was born like 7th of April. And so and I and she was my first born. So I had no clue what I was doing or no, no, no clue what I was stepping into.

Well, actually, my mom gave me a book that was called The Seven Till Seven Baby and I and I read it and I thought, this sounds excellent. It was like 7:00 AM to 7:00 PM and then they go to sleep for 12 hours.

Melissa

Oh, problem is Fern can't read. She didn't know how to follow the rules.

Kirsty

I don't know why my mom gave me that book, because that has not been my experience at all. And also not even that, but like some of the sleep training stuff in there. I'm like, I don't want to do that shit like that doesn't feel good to me. So I'm not doing that.

But so, so she's fairly unstructured because I'm unstructured and that's OK. But yeah, she goes to bed super late. And so I haven't had much time to work on my business. She naps for like 30 minutes. I mean, it's a good job I coach on productivity and I'm really fucking productive because 30 minutes, by the time you've peed, had a drink and sat down, you've got 20 minutes to do a podcast episode.

So I'm nailing the 30-minute slots. But yeah, I don't have a lot of time to work on my business. But the whole time that I've not been able to to work on my business. I have not been stressing about it. I've not been telling myself that it's a disaster and I can compare it like my post coaching experience, not with my pre coaching because I wasn't a mum before

But with my other half, his experience, I can tell his emotional experience has been a whirlwind of overwhelm and stress and mine has been calm, loving. Like just, oh, ease. It's so bizarre, the difference between somebody who has sort of some of the tools to manage their mind around, yeah, things being hard, things not going to plan, not like not being. I mean, like I have like these couple of moments of frustration and then it's just like, it's OK. 

It's like the ability to calm my nervous system down if I'm starting to feel stressed about stuff and look for, actually, like, not even like toxic positivity. I'm not not pretending that everything's rosy, you know, like when she's waking up in the middle of the night and I got four hours sleep and it's not lovely. I'm not like, oh, it's the best thing ever. But it's OK. It's like, OK, I'm going to survive. It's fine. You know, she's a baby. This isn't forever. I'm a bit tired. I can still function. I'll or I'll cancel a call. It's no big deal.

You know, like it's like having so much grace with myself when I don't have. I'm not able to produce the same amount, or I'm not as productive in one of those slots. I'm like, it's OK, I'll do it tomorrow. You know, just giving myself so much grace and love and tenderness around figuring out and even fucking up. So I forgot her passport. I went on holiday and I forgot that she needed a passport. It wasn't even that I forgot, I left it at home. I just didn't. It didn't even cross my mind. So anyway, our holiday got cut in half and was three times the price because I had to get a new passport, move our flights twice. Disaster.

Now I like that was a mess up on my part. And I have no shame around it. I have no, like, no bad feelings. I'm like, oh, you know, oops. I've never traveled with a baby before. Yeah, it's just like so, so forgiving of myself, of the things versus my partner's just whole experience, I think has been more challenging because he does not have coaching and he doesn't. He won't get a coach. I've tried to get him a coach and he will not. I have to manage my mind around him not being coached because I'm like, okay, you just have your shitty experience over there. It's much nicer in my bubble, in my world, but.

Melissa

We love you Curly, if you're listening.

Kirsty

But yeah, it's just one of those things. I'm so grateful that I found coaching before I became a mom because I'll be, I'll be so much kinder to her too. And so much, so much kinder to myself.

But I did read them something that was like a quote. I can't even remember. I'll butcher it now, but it was essentially like the, the voice that, you know, your parents have, you know, the voice that you heard becomes your internal voice, your inner critic, if you like. And that definitely is true for me and my dad, you know, he's quite strict and quite has high expectations, hard worker, all of that. So his critical voice became my inner voice. It's no longer. I've kicked it out. I've decided on my own voice now, which is much nicer.

But you know, it makes me think, Oh my goodness, you know how I am to myself and how I am to her is actually how she's going to be to herself. And that is so, I don't know, it's like. It's heavy if you don't know what to do with that, but it's so freeing when you know, oh my goodness, I could just be so loving and so graceful and so patient and kind and compassionate to myself and to her. And she will then be able to take the same for herself. And that is everything.

Melissa

Yeah, for sure. I know in one of the trauma courses I did, I learned that there are studies that show that our generational trauma goes back at least 14 generations. So, but then I was like, oh, OK, that's OK because, you know, we're making a change now. Like we're the kind of the pivot point, right? And any change in work that we do on ourselves will then go forward 14 generations. And I forget who's quoted is, but I've seen it so many times and I'm not going to be able to remember who said it, but basically like the gist of it is, is like the best work that you can do for your family is to heal yourself so that your child has a mom or a dad or whomever, you know, somebody that is loving them, that loves themselves.

Kirsty

Yeah. I love that. Yeah, that has definitely, yeah, landed for me. And I for sure I'm showing up differently because of coaching and I'm so grateful for it.

Melissa

Yeah, so good. All right. Is there anything else that you think that the listeners need to hear that we haven't touched on?

Kirsty

I will say this. Well, two things. The first is actually, there were some things that you um that you coached me on that I could have gone away and really noodled on. And I think that that would have helped, but I didn't. And I think sometimes we expect the coach to do all of the work and sometimes like that still is fine, like we don't have to, you don't have to take it away and work on it. But I do think that sometimes if there is like a minor shift or just like a crack has been opened in whatever you're, you know, like you've you've created a little window of possibility in a belief that wasn't there before or something. It's so worth your time to go away and just noodle on it some more, like think about how it might be true or or just explore that idea more.

I think I got lazy as a coachee, if you like. No, not in a bad way, but just in in a way, a sense that I I think I could have, it would have been a much more pleasant experience had I actually gone away and thought about it some more, rather than relying on on you doing the heavy lifting and me coming back and just on, you know, missing the opportunity to to peek inside my own brain. I think that's one thing.

Melissa

Well, may I offer that if there are things that you remember that were cracked open that you didn't take the time to noodle on, you have time to do that now, my love.

Kirsty

Well, that's true, but I can't remember them. And that's what I mean. It's like, it's like, you know, like it's those things that I just didn't go away and then, you know, explore further.

Melissa

OK, So what I'm going to say to that is anything that you feel that needs healed that hasn't been, yeah, will keep coming up in your life. And I saw yesterday a quote that was basically, you know, evolve or revolve. So it'll keep coming up, keep revolving. You know, you'll end, you know, with those revolving doors. You're like, oh, I'm here again. You know, oh, I keep showing up here. Like, why? What is it? And then that's an indication to you, like, oh, something. If I want to change this, something needs to change. You know, spoiler alert, it's you that needs to change. OK. What's the second thing? I won't quote you on this call, I promise.

Kirsty

Well, actually, there's three things. The second thing is that. So yeah, just that I didn't recognize that actually some of the stuff because you can coach sort of consciously, you know you have talking coaching and it can be very helpful. That could be all you need. But I think if you do keep stumbling against the same thing again and again and again, then actually it does indicate that you need to do some subconscious or somatic like healing work. So actually going back to your childhood or whatever. And so yeah, that I think is. Is the work that really shifted a lot of stuff for me when, you know, the surface stuff couldn't touch it because there was stuff going on underneath.  And that's not true for every issue. You know, like sometimes you can literally just present a different perspective and you can have like a Oh yeah, I totally didn't see that and it be resolved. But sometimes, yeah, where something is, it feels so emotionally charged or so heavy that maybe it's worth looking deeper.

And then the other thing, the last thing that I will say. I mean, coaching with you was expensive. I thought at the time, I mean, and I was spending a lot of money coaching. I had spent a lot in a mastermind and other coaches and it was expensive. And at the time, it's like fucking hell, you know, am I actually going to? I know. Yeah, but this is fine. This is fine. I think that you won't want to edit this hour.

Melissa

No, keep talking. I can't wait to hear what you're going to say. My mom right now is listening and agreeing with you, Kirsty. It's way too expensive, right?

Kirsty

And my dad too. But it's totally fine, right? But here's the thing. And not every session. Well, take this. I mean, this should be the only accolade, really, that you need, because it was very expensive. It was like, oh, Jesus, you know, am I actually going to spend this much money with these big hopes as to what I was going to achieve at the end? Now I had, yeah, a shitty year. And at the end of working together, I had not created huge amounts of money and my business had stopped selling. So it wasn't like, oh my goodness, you know, that the ROI, if you like, you know, I'd made millions working with you. And also not every session did, you know, I leave feeling like that's definitely shifted that.

However, every session that I had with you was always good. It was always in the moment, like actually helpful. Like I always left feeling a little bit better, even if nothing major had changed in my life. But looking back, even if I just said that two sessions with you had, you know, healed this part of me or whatever, I would say that it was worth that time, that amount of money 10 times over.

And I think that that's something worth saying, you know, because coaching can be expensive. And sometimes you don't get the outcome that you originally signed up for. Like you said, the result isn't on your timeline, it's not really showing up. And so you could think, was that worth spending that money? You know, and I know lots of people will think that like, oh Jesus, did I, was it worth it? And I think that when you, when you recognize that actually you, you have had that healing, you have had that shift, even if it's 18 months down the line, it is worth that 10 times over because the amount of the ROI will come later. Undoubtedly, because if it's an obstacle in the way of you getting what you want, then you'll never get what you want without removing that obstacle. So, you know, really any price tag on that, on removing the obstacle would go if you actually want the thing that you want at the end of it.

Melissa

Well, and I mean, I think at the very beginning you spoke to it when you were talking to Teresa, like emotional health. What price tag can you put on it?

Kirsty

Well, yeah, and that's yeah, exactly. And that is even if you're not looking at using coaching for your business, it is. It's like whatever. If you want to feel better in your life, if you want to show up as a nicer mom, like as a better mom, if you want to be nicer to yourself, like it's just so priceless. And it's really hard to share that. I think it's not, it's not a easy thing to sell you know like because it's like, hey, do you want to feel great? And, you know, I feel great about my life and I'm so kind to myself. It may be a hard sell when other people are dangling bigger carrots, you know but actually, I think at a foundational level, everything that we're doing is to make ourselves feel better. Achieving the big money goal is to make us feel more worthy, you know, because we've tied our worth to it. And there's something just so amazing and healing and beautiful around getting to the place where you don't need that to make you feel better. So you feel great as it is, and then you can pursue it out of just joy and excitement and rather than like out of a hungry ambition because you don't feel good enough without it.

Melissa

Needing to validate yourself somehow.

Kirsty

Right. And I think that that is priceless. So it might be a hard sell, but really, yeah, emotional wealth is priceless compared to financial wealth, I guess.

Melissa

Agreed. OK, so if people want to work with you, they're small business owners and they're like, I love this lady and I want to be more productive and meet my goals. How do they reach you?

Kirsty

So probably the easiest way to find me is on my podcast if you like podcasts. So it's the Time and Productivity Podcast for Entrepreneurs.

Melissa

I love it. The Time and Productivity Podcast for Entrepreneurs with Kirsty Knight.

Kirsty

Yes. Yeah, Kirsty like thirsty, not Kristy. You'll never find me if you type in Kristy.

Melissa

You will be gone into the ethers.

Kirsty

Melissa often would lapse into calling me Kirsty on our sessions and I'd be like, are you kidding?

Melissa

Listen, I love you.

Kirsty

I love you too.

Melissa

Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Hopefully all the beauty that you have shared of yourself will help some other people become a favorite version of themselves too.

Kirsty

I hope so. I hope so.

Melissa

Me too. Bye, Kirsty.

Kirsty

Bye.

Melissa

Hey - It’s still me. Since you are listening to this podcast, you very likely have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes but you still feel like something's missing! If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to tiptoe into putting yourself first and treating yourself as you would your own best friend, I'm here to support you. As a general life coach for women, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges as you start to get to know and embrace your authentic self.

When we work together, you begin to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You learn effective communication strategies, boundary-setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can't guarantee specific outcomes, as everyone's journey is brilliantly unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. With humor and a ton of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

You're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, so head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com, go to the work with me page, and book a consultation call. We can chat about all the support I can provide you with as we work together.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and, of course, I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching soon. 

Thanks for tuning in. Go be amazing!