#109 Stop Forcing Shit

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Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

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I've been thinking about today's topic for a little while now. I've been coaching my people on it recently, so it makes me know that it will be useful to you. We cause ourselves suffering when we try to force things that are not happening naturally. What do I mean by that? I have so many recent examples. I have a client whose friend no longer wants to be friends. A client who does not want to accept that her sister has decided that she no longer wants a relationship with my client.

A client whose boyfriend broke up with her, and she's not wanting to accept that. A client who is upset because her ex-husband is mad at her for not forcing their grown adult kids to interact with him. A client who is pretty desperate to please her mom, who is rarely happy. It might be easy to see how these examples have come about if we look at the beliefs that these clients are holding.

My client who wants a relationship with her friend has the belief that friends are forever. My client who wants a relationship with her estranged sister has the belief that sisters should be close. My client who was broken up with has the belief that she and her ex should still be together. My client with the mad ex-husband has an ex-husband who thinks that kids should always respect and have a relationship with their parents. My client used to have this belief too, but we have been working on wiggling that belief to change it.

My client who has the unhappy mom has the belief that she is at least partially responsible for her mom's feelings and ultimate happiness. Oftentimes when we are struggling in relationships, it is because of some deep-seated belief we have. As a reminder, beliefs are simply thoughts that we have thought time and time again for years and years. Also, keep in mind that many of the beliefs that we hold aren't actually ours; they are ideas passed down from generation to generation, often without much questioning around the belief.

This is where coaching comes in. We question beliefs all the time. When you find yourself struggling, a question you can ask yourself is: What unquestioned belief do I have that might be keeping me stuck here? Once you find the thought or the belief, one of my favorite questions to ask is: Is it true? At first, your brain is going to want to say, "Yes, of course it's true." Whenever you double down on your thoughts, it's an opportunity to ask yourself how the opposite of what you are arguing for might also be true.

Of course, this is going to be a challenge when you are questioning beliefs that you have had for years or decades. You will likely be questioning beliefs that many other people other than you also believe. So you will need to be intentional when you are doing this. Interestingly, in all these examples, and there are so many more, when you're trying to force someone into being any different than they already are, you are completely bypassing consent.

Think about it. My client's friend is not consenting to the friendship anymore. My client's sister is not consenting to a relationship with her at this point. My client's ex-boyfriend has withdrawn his consent to a relationship with her. My client's ex-husband has children who are not consenting to a relationship with him at this point. And my client is no longer consenting to being the one who is pretending to be able to fix the relationship between dad and their adult kids. My client who wants to "make" her mom happy—basically force her mom to be happy when she would actually rather not be happy—has a mom who is not consenting to another person being in control of her emotions.

Listening to it this way, are you able to see how it's a bad idea to try to force things that aren't happening naturally and how doing so can lead to unnecessary suffering on your part?

Let's talk briefly about the concept of control. So often, we think that if we just try harder, push more, or manipulate the situation, we can get the outcome we want. But the truth is we can't control other people's feelings, decisions, or actions. I've said it before, but trying to do so is like trying to force a square peg into a round hole. It's just not going to work.

Like I said, my client who is struggling with this has a sister who has pulled away from their relationship. And my client was doing everything she could to force the relationship back to where it used to be. She was calling her sister constantly, showing up uninvited, begging to be let in, and the more she pushed, the more her sister pulled away. It wasn't until we sat together and really examined the situation that my client realized that she was operating from the belief "sisters should always be there for each other, no matter what." But when we questioned that belief, she started to see how it really wasn't serving her.

The reality is not all siblings have close relationships, and that's okay. Her sister had the right to make her own decisions about the relationship, and my client's attempts to force it were only causing her more pain.

Same goes for my client whose boyfriend broke up with her. Breakups are never easy, but the belief that "we should still be together" is preventing her from moving forward. She has to accept that her ex has withdrawn his consent to the relationship, as painful as that may be. Trying to force him to change his mind is not only disrespecting his choices, but it's also keeping her stuck in a cycle of rejection and heartache.

My client with the angry ex-husband is in a tough spot too. It's natural to want your kids to have a good relationship with their other parent, but the truth is you can't force it. If the kids are adults, they have the right to make their own decisions about the relationship. And honestly, younger kids do too. Now that I'm saying this out loud. My client is not responsible for fixing things between her ex and their kids. It's a heavy burden to carry, and it's one that's not hers to bear. As I told her recently, if she were able to fix this for them, she would have already done so.

Finally, let's talk about my client who's desperate to please her unhappy mom. This is a trap that so many of us fall into—the belief that we're responsible for other people's happiness. But the truth is, happiness is an inside job. We can't make anyone else happy, no matter how hard we try. My client's mom is the only one who can control her emotions, and trying to force her to feel differently is only going to lead to frustration and resentment, likely on both of their parts.

This is where the idea of consent comes in. Just like in sexual relationships, consent is crucial to all of our interactions. We have to respect other people's right to say no, to set boundaries, and to make their own choices. When we try to override that consent, we're not only disrespecting the other person, but we're also setting ourselves up for disappointment and frustration.

So what can we do instead? First, we have to be willing to question our own beliefs and assumptions. Just because we've always thought something should be a certain way doesn't mean it's true. We have to be open to the possibility that our beliefs might be limiting us or causing us unnecessary pain.

Next, we have to practice acceptance. This doesn't mean we have to like the situation or agree with the other person's choices, but it does mean acknowledging reality for what it is, rather than fighting against it. When we can accept things as they are, we free up so much mental and emotional energy that we can then use to focus on what we can control—our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Finally, we have to be willing to let go. Letting go of our attachment to a particular outcome, letting go of our need to control others, letting go of the belief that things should be a certain way. It's not always easy, but it's so much more peaceful than constantly struggling and striving. I know this is hard. Trust me, I've been there. But I've also seen the incredible freedom and joy that comes from letting go of forced outcomes and learning to accept things as they are. It's a practice, and it takes time, but it's so worth it.

So next time you find yourself trying to force something that isn't happening naturally, take a step back. Ask yourself what belief you might be operating from and question whether it's really true. Practice acceptance and see if you can let go of your attachment to a particular outcome.

And remember, you're not alone in this. We're all learning and growing together. So to all of you out there who are struggling with trying to force things, you're not alone. Change is possible, and it starts with questioning your beliefs and practicing acceptance. Be patient with yourself and remember that you deserve relationships that feel good and authentic, not forced and painful. It's not always easy, but it's so, so worth it. When we stop trying to force things and start accepting reality as it is, we really open ourselves up to so much more lightness, peace, and freedom.

We can start to build relationships based on mutual consent and respect rather than manipulation and control. As a gentle reminder, you are the only one you can control. So focus on being your favorite you and trust that the right people and opportunities will flow into your life naturally.

Let go of force and embrace the freedom of acceptance. Life is so much lighter and freer this way, I promise. And if it's not entirely obvious, coaching is an excellent way to learn this process, to practice, and to live a completely different life than the one you might be struggling in today.

That's all for today, folks. Thanks for tuning in. And remember the only person you can control is yourself. Focus on being your favorite you and let the rest unfold as it will.

I'll see you next time.

Hey, don't go just yet.

Since you're listening to this podcast, you might be one of us who has followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes, but you still feel like something's missing. If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools that you need to put yourself first without guilt and start to treat yourself as your own best friend, I'm here to support you.

As a certified life coach, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace your true self. I'm inviting you to join my next group, which starts on Thursday, January 9th, 2025. 

We'll work together to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. You'll learn effective communication strategies, boundary setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you to cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself first, so that then you can go on to do that with others.

While of course I cannot guarantee specific outcomes, everyone's journey is unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support, and guidance that you need to create lasting change in your life.

With more than a sprinkle of humor, some perfectly placed swear words, and a lot of compassion, I'll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

If you're ready to invest in yourself and embark upon this journey, head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com. Go to the Work With Me page and book a consultation call. We can chat about your challenges and how I can support you.

Like I said, we start in January. We will meet on Thursdays at 12:30 PM Eastern Time for six months, starting on January 9th.

Can't wait to see you there.