#107 Nice or Kind?

Read the full episode transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey there, welcome back to Your Favorite You. I continue to be Melissa Parsons, your host of the show. 

Today, we'll be diving into the difference between being nice and being kind. Take a minute to think on it. Is there a difference for you? Is it possible to be nice without being kind? Is it possible to be kind without being nice? This is a distinction that might seem subtle, but can have a profound impact on our lives and relationships.

As women, we often face immense pressure to be likable, agreeable, and pleasant at all times. Remember last week's episode about the likability trap? If you haven't listened to last week, you should definitely do so. You don't have to listen to it before this one, and it will definitely give you some more context.

What if the cost of constant niceness is our authenticity, our voice, and our well-being? That's what we're exploring today.

As always, let's make sense of why we might not be able to make a clear distinction between kindness and niceness. From a young age, many of us are taught that being nice is the ultimate virtue. Something as simple as being told, “Missy, be nice to your sister.”

We're praised for being polite, agreeable, and avoiding confrontation at all costs. As we grow up, this pressure intensifies. We're told that to succeed in our careers, our relationships, and our social lives, we need to be liked by everyone. We need to smile, nod, and go along with the crowd, even when something doesn't feel right.

I remember a time in my own life, early in my career as a brand new attending when I was in a meeting at work. I had a different perspective on how to handle a situation with one of our employees, but I could feel the pressure to just agree with everyone else. I didn't want to rock the boat or be seen as difficult. So I stayed silent, and I left that meeting feeling like I had betrayed myself in some way. I got over this, luckily.

I also have a client who owns her own business. She finds herself feeling like she owes it to her employees to be nice to them so that they stay employed. Then she often feels like her employees become too familiar with her and forget that she is the boss. And this keeps happening over and over. My client ends up being so nice to her employees that she is often unkind to herself. Have you ever found yourself in this type of conundrum? My guess is yes.

So what are some synonyms of nice according to Webster's dictionary? Polite, pleasing, agreeable, appropriate, fitting, virtuous, respectable. How about synonyms of kind? Attentive, considerate, thoughtful.

So what exactly is the difference between niceness and kindness? Being nice often involves people-pleasing. It's about maintaining a pleasant demeanor, avoiding confrontation, making others feel comfortable, even at the expense of our own comfort.

Kindness, on the other hand, comes from a place of genuine compassion, empathy, and respect. It's about treating others with care and consideration, but it doesn't always mean agreeing with them or avoiding difficult conversations. In fact, sometimes the kindest thing we can do is to have a tough conversation or make a hard decision if it's coming from a place of love and respect.

My clients will recognize when I say that I really feel that being as clear as possible with someone is the kindest thing you can do, even if what you're saying is something that the other person does not necessarily want to hear.

So why does kindness matter?

Scientists have been studying the links between kindness, happiness, and health for some time now. Research has shown that acts of kindness, both big and small, can have a ripple effect. When we treat others with genuine kindness, it not only improves their wellbeing, but ours as well. Kindness has even been linked to increased happiness, reduced stress, and even a stronger immune system. But beyond these individual benefits, kindness has the power to transform our relationships and communities.

When we approach our interactions with compassion and respect, we build trust, deepen connections, and create a sense of safety for authentic communication.

So how can we start choosing kindness over niceness in our daily lives?

One way is to speak up when we witness injustice or unkindness. This can be uncomfortable, but it's a powerful way to stand up for what's right. It might mean calling out a racist or a sexist comment, even if it's from someone we care about.

Another way to practice kindness is to set boundaries and say no when necessary. This can be hard, especially for those of us who are used to being people pleasers. But saying no with respect and compassion is a form of kindness, both to ourselves and to others.

It's also important to offer constructive feedback and engage in difficult conversations with compassion. This might mean having a heart-to-heart with a friend who has hurt you, or giving honest feedback to a colleague, but doing so with care and respect.

Lastly, and actually firstly, don't forget to be kind to yourself. Practice self-compassion and treat yourself with the same kindness you would extend to your good friend.

Now, because we keep it real here, I won't pretend that choosing kindness over niceness is always easy, especially for those of us who have been socialized to be agreeable at all costs. It can be uncomfortable to speak up, set boundaries, or engage in tough conversations. But remember, discomfort is often a sign of growth. It means we're stepping out of our comfort zone and learning new ways of being.

And remember, we're already uncomfortable by not saying anything, by not setting boundaries, by not engaging in tough conversations. You're just exchanging one form of discomfort for another. If you're struggling with this concept, seek support. Talk to a like-minded mentor, or seek help from me or someone like me who can help you see where you're getting tripped up about your experiences. Joining one of my coaching groups or working with me one-on-one can provide a compassion-focused approach and personalized guidance and support for cultivating kindness, particularly if you're hard on yourself and struggle with self-criticism.

If you want to start practicing being kind over being nice, start small. Practice assertiveness in low-stakes situations, like expressing a preference for a restaurant when making plans with friends. As you build this muscle, you'll find it easier to be kind and true to yourself in higher stake situations.

Another way to start practicing kindness is to meditate. One of my favorite meditations to do is called the loving kindness meditation.

You can find this meditation many places and can listen to this meditation as often as you like. If you would like to listen to it with my voice, I will record it for you and we will be putting out a bonus episode with just the meditation so you can listen as often as you like.

One more idea. You can go to randomactsofkindness.org for daily inspiration on how to be more kind in your life to yourself and to others. It can be as simple as smiling at another human as you pass them on the street, or complimenting someone on a job well done at work, or complimenting someone on their sneakers as you pass by them on the road.

This just happened to me not that long ago. Someone in my neighborhood complimented my bright pink shoelaces when I was out walking. It made me feel better for the whole walk.

One of my very favorite things my friends and I did now years ago pre-pandemic was to go out to breakfast together. I planned it and invited many women from many different parts of my life, and we all went in together and gave our server a several hundred dollar tip. It was around the holidays and we made her week, day, month, whatever. It was the best feeling to be able to show her that kindness.

As we wrap up today's episode, I want to leave you with a challenge. In the coming week, pay attention to moments where you have the opportunity to choose kindness over niceness. Maybe it's a chance to speak up against an injustice or to set a boundary with someone who is draining your energy. Remember, being kind isn't always easy, but it's always worth it.

When we lead with compassion and authenticity, we create space for real connection and growth. So be brave. Be kind and trust that your true self is always enough.

Thank you for joining me today. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. If you have questions or this episode did not resonate, I want to hear about that as well. 

Until next time, take care and be kind to yourself.

Hey. It's still me. If you're listening to this podcast you might have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes, but you still feel like something is missing. 

If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to put yourself first –without guilt or apology–and treat yourself as your own best friend, I’m here to support you. 

As a certified life coach, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace your authentic self. 

In our coaching sessions, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, we’ll work together to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. You’ll learn effective communication strategies, boundary setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can’t guarantee specific outcomes as everyone's journey is unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. 

With more than a sprinkle of humor, and a lot of compassion, I’ll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

If you're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com. Go to the Work with Me page and book a consultation call. We can chat about your challenges and how I can support you.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and I am also going to be offering another chance to join our group coaching cohort soon. 

Thanks for tuning in, and remember: You’re fucking amazing just as you are.