#106 The Likability Trap

Read the full episode transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Well, hey, everyone, welcome back to Your Favorite You.

I heard this sentence the other day, and because my memory is terrible, I cannot remember where I heard it. It has stuck with me, though, so I usually take that as a sign that it is something I need to sit with and dissect and make some sense of. I figured since I was going to do this for me, I might as well share what I found with all of you, too, in the hopes that you will find it useful and valuable.

Once I knew I was going to talk about it on Your Favorite You, I attempted to look up who originally said it, but my search of the googles came up empty. So, I am going to share it here with you now, without attribution.

The sentence is “likeability is a trap made to silence you.”

It’s interesting because I am coming to the realization just now, as I am preparing this episode for you that my needing to find the original speaker of the words before I could share it with you comes from my need to be likeable! What a mind fuck that is! I don’t want to repeat things that others have said without attribution because I don’t want to plagiarize anyone because if I did, the original author or speaker of the words could come at me with less than loving thoughts!

I must be getting over this because here I am sharing it with you without attribution anyway!

So, while my core values do have me wanting to give credit where credit is due… my bigger value is to give you amazing content every week in this podcast! So, I will not be silenced!

Think back over history… So many women have been ‘disliked’ to put it mildly, for sharing their thoughts that were different than the cultural norms. I am intentionally using the word disliked, but there are many stronger words than disliked for what has been done to and thought about women who were brave enough to go against the grain and against the social and cultural norms of their time.

Looking back over history, I am so grateful for these incredible women. In researching for this episode, I looked up the quote “Well behaved women rarely make history” and this quote has been attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt and Marilyn Monroe and, of course, Unknown, which I found out is listed so often because the words of women were not taken seriously enough if their names were listed, so many amazing quotes are attributed to Unknown. How fucked up is that? Apparently, the ‘well-behaved women’ quote was actually first attributed in 1976 to Laurel Thatcher Ulrich, a Pulitzer Prize-winning American historian whose approach to history has been described as a tribute to “the silent work of ordinary people.”

Are you sensing a theme here? We women have been silenced for millennia or have had to stay silent in order to stay safe and to not be unalived! My goal with coaching my ladies and with coaching my number one client, (again if you are new here, my number one client is and will always be ME!)

My goal is to make it so that we actually like ourselves enough so that we don’t have to be liked by everyone else! If we are, that is a bonus that we will gladly receive, but it does not have to be the driving force behind everything we do and behind everything we don’t do in order not to make other people stop liking us!

Think about the women who have worried less about likeability and have actually gotten things done for our society.

The more you like yourself, the less likely you are to fall into the likeability trap.

Many women worry that when they like themselves, they will somehow turn into arrogant people. That might happen if you think that in liking yourself, you have to put yourself above everyone else on the likeability scale… but this is not what I am suggesting. You don’t have to start disliking everyone else so that you can like yourself. This is not a zero sum game. You can like yourself AS you like everyone else.

One way to like yourself more is to simply be more kind to yourself. All that energy that you might be putting in to being NICE to other people so that they can like you can be dialed into energy of being kind to yourself so that YOU can like you!

So of course I had to look up some inspiring historical examples so I googled badass women who refused to be silenced by concerns about likeability. This is what I came up with:

Susan B. Anthony (1820-1906) - she played a pivotal role in the women's suffrage movement to secure the right to vote for women. Despite being arrested for voting illegally in 1872, she continued her fight undeterred by those who disliked her radical views. Thank you, Susan.

Rosa Parks (1913-2005) - A civil rights activist best known for her pivotal role in the Montgomery bus boycott. In 1955, she refused to give up her bus seat to a white passenger, defying the era's racist segregation laws. Her arrest sparked the boycott and made her a greatly admired by some, but also a hated figure by others.

Malala Yousafzai (1997-present) - A Pakistani activist for female education who began speaking out as an 11-year old blogger. In 2012, she survived an assassination attempt by the Taliban for her activism. Undaunted, she continued to champion girls' right to education globally, winning the Nobel Peace Prize in 2014 at age 17. What a badass!

Margaret Sanger (1879-1966) - An American birth control activist, Sanger popularized the term "birth control" and opened the first birth control clinic in the US in 1916. Arrested for distributing information on contraception, and then she continued her controversial work, establishing organizations that evolved into Planned Parenthood.

Maya Angelou (1928-2014) - An American poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist, Angelou published seven autobiographies. Her works candidly explore subjects like racism, identity, and rape, topics often considered taboo. She used her voice to empower and inspire, even when her honesty made some uncomfortable.

Tarana Burke (1973-present) - An American activist who started the Me Too movement in 2006 to help survivors of sexual violence, particularly black women and girls. In 2017, #MeToo went viral, sparking a global conversation about sexual misconduct. Despite backlash, Burke continues her work, demonstrating the importance of speaking truth to power.

Greta Thunberg (2003-present) - A Swedish environmental activist, Thunberg began the School Strike for Climate in 2018. Despite being very young, she has spoken at the UN and been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. She continues her activism in the face of criticism, even from world leaders, embodying the power of youth to drive change.

These courageous women chose to speak out for their beliefs and make an impact - Of course there are more, but this podcast is short. So they chose to speak out even when it made them extremely disliked and even hated by many in their time. But in the long run, their unwillingness to stay silent helped change the course of history for women's rights. These women who came before us have shown us that we must not let the trap of likeability silence our voices and impede our ability to create important change.

Ok - so now you might be thinking - Melissa, this sounds sounds great, but HOW do we do this? There are several strategies women can employ to overcome the fear of being disliked in their personal and professional lives:

1. Identify and challenge the fear: Recognize when the fear of being disliked is influencing decisions or holding you back. Question whether this fear is based on reality or on some bullshit internalized societal expectations. Ask yourself, "What's the worst that could happen if someone doesn't like me in this situation?" or “What is more important in this situation - them liking me, or ME liking me?”

2. Reframe the narrative: Instead of focusing on being liked, shift your focus to being respected, effective, and true to yourself. Reframe speaking up not as being "unlikeable," but as being brave, authentic, and committed to your values.

3. Develop self-awareness and self-worth: Spend time understanding your own values, strengths, and goals. Build a strong sense of self-worth that is not dependent on others' approval. The more grounded you are in your own sense of self, the less the opinions of others will sway you. This goes back to my earlier assertion that the more you like yourself, the less likely you are to fall into the likeability trap!

4. Practice assertiveness: Start small by expressing your opinions or needs in low-stakes situations. As you build confidence, gradually take on more challenging situations. Remember, assertiveness is not aggression; it's about clear, respectful communication. You can be assertive AND kind at the same time. 

5. Seek out supportive environments: Surround yourself with people who value authenticity over likeability. Seek out workplaces and communities that celebrate diversity of thought and encourage open dialogue. Having a supportive base can make it easier to take risks. I am going to toot my own horn here - TOOT TOOT - this is an environment I provide in my group coaching programs! Get yourself in here! 

6. Find role models and mentors: Identify women in your field or in your life who embody the kind of authenticity and courage you admire. Observe how they handle situations where they might be disliked. If possible, seek their advice and mentorship. Again, TOOT TOOT! LOL

7. Embrace discomfort: Recognize that discomfort is a normal part of growth. Whenever you're challenging the status quo or going against societal norms, there will be some discomfort. Learn to tolerate and even embrace this discomfort as a sign that you're growing.

8. Separate personal from professional: Remember that in professional settings, it's respect and competence that tend to matter most. You can be kind and collegial without needing to be liked by everyone. Focus on your work and your professional goals. And, remember to respect yourself first! 

9. Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself when facing criticism or dislike. Recognize that it's not possible to be liked by everyone all the time. Treat yourself with the same understanding and compassion you would offer a good friend.

Overcoming the fear of being disliked is a process and it may take time. But by consistently applying these strategies, women can gradually build the confidence to use their voices and make their mark, even in the face of potential disapproval. The more women do this, the more we can shift cultural norms and create environments where authenticity and courage are valued over likeability. So, in summary, I say, fuck likeability. We will not be silenced as we make history together! 

Alright everyone - Thanks for tuning in this week, and I’ll see you here next week. Bye!

Hi, it's still me.

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