#101 You Can Change Your Lens

Read the full episode transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Well, hi there, everyone! Welcome back to Your Favorite You. So excited to be here with you again week after week!

Today I want to share some insights about how our natural negativity bias might be holding us back from being one of our favorite versions of ourselves.

Recently, I had a conversation with my son, Owen, that sparked some deep thoughts about the way that most of us perceive and experience life. As humans, we have a default tendency to notice and then to FOCUS on the negative aspects of our lives. This is known as negativity bias, and it’s a normal part of how our brains have evolved to keep you safe. I wanted to come here and offer my thoughts about how our natural negativity bias might be holding you back. 

This negativity bias can often prevent us from recognizing the positive aspects of our lives and it also prevents us from seeing the opportunities for growth and learning that come with the challenges. 

If you are just going about your life, not paying much attention to how you are thinking and feeling about things, your brain has a default status to have a natural negativity bias.

It is possible for you to be more intentional and change and reframe how you are experiencing your life. You can change your metaphorical lenses that you look through and experience life through. This take intention and practice, and you can direct your brain to see things in a new and different way.

One of the things that I am constantly challenging my clients to do and that I will challenge you to do is to figure out how everything in life is happening FOR you and not TO you. This is hard to do when you are currently going through something, but with practice, this can become a powerful tool for becoming a favorite version of yourself. 

With that in mind, I challenge my clients and I will challenge you to think back over the course of your life and maybe even the course of the lives of the people that you love - just to give your brain a plethora of examples of how this might be true - so, to think back retrospectively to the times where you thought that life was not working out the way you wanted it to, or to the times when the things that were happening seemed to be happening TO you and you felt like you were a victim of your circumstances. I want you to see how whatever happened that you didn’t want to, or didn’t happen that you did want to, and to make sense of how that outcome that you initially saw as a bad outcome actually turned out to be the best thing that could have happened. 

I have so many examples of this… Maybe there was a time when you didn’t get the job or one of your relationships ended, and it felt like the world was against you, but looking back, you can see how that failure or that disappointment led you to and even better opportunity or taught you a valuable lessons about yourself, taught you valuable lessons about others, or showed you what you truly want or is important in your life.

So, here are some examples… the first couple are from my life experience, the rest are from my clients…

Some could see my struggle with my weight and with loving my body as a negative AND if it hadn’t been for this struggle, I might have never found coaching.

For my family, the COVID pandemic had so many negatives AND it allowed us to slow way down and spend time together that we never would have gotten otherwise… 

One of my clients had a financial investment not give the return she was expecting, and in fact, it created a financial loss for her and her family AND it has allowed her to get crystal clear on her finances going forward and she is in the process of becoming a financial feminist.

Another of my clients has children with mental health challenges AND this has led her to be able to be more open and vulnerable with her young adult children, which has, of course, improved their connection significantly.

Another one of my amazing clients was forced out of one job AND this has created a situation where she has been able to go out on her own and create a career that is perfect for her. 

Another client has struggled in her relationship with her mom AND this has shown her the type of mom she does not want to be - and allowed her to be really intentional about the type of mom she DOES want to be with her children.

I have another client who was told when she was younger by her parent that she was not smart AND this has led her to show herself over and over again how smart she really is… every time her brain offers her dad’s voice in her head is an opportunity to remind herself that her dad was simply wrong about her - or at the very least, he was misguided in his attempts to motivate her…

One of my other clients used to abandon herself in order to please other people - so she would let herself down in order to not let other people down. She now knows what that feels like in her body, so she catches herself as soon as she abandons herself now. When she notices this, she can check in with herself to see if she likes her reasons for people-pleasing - sometimes we do and we keep going - if she doesn’t, she can course correct without beating herself up.

My last example is my client who was let go from her place of employment. She then found a job that she was WAY overqualified for - all to make ends meet until she found the new perfect spot for her. This showed her that she can ALWAYS take care of her family. She is not stuck and will never be stuck in any future job because she knows that she can always get a job doing something below her paygrade until the newest best option presents itself, or more likely with this client, until she goes out and creates the newest best option for badass herself. 

I hope these examples give you plenty of ideas for how you can change your outlook. I, of course, have so many more, but I am working on the thought that more is not necessarily better! 

If you are willing and able to change your metaphorical lenses, you will experience your life in a completely different and likely much more enjoyable way. By reframing your perspective and looking for ways in which seeming challenges and setbacks are actually serving you, you can start to experience life in a completely different way. Instead of feeling like a victim to your circumstances, you can start to see yourself as the badass of your own story, learning and growing on your way to becoming a favorite version of yourself. 

Of course, if you have been following me and have been picking up what I have been putting down on this podcast, you know that this does NOT mean that we should ignore or dismiss the emotions that come with challenging situations. It’s important to acknowledge and allow and to process those feelings in a healthy way. When you start looking for the lessons and the opportunities for growth, you can start to develop a more balanced mindset, no longer allowing your negativity bias to run the show. 

One of the beauties of being in a group container as you learn to use these new and different lenses that I am offering is that you see, first-hand, that you are not alone in these challenges. 

So, how can you start to change your lenses and reframe your life experiences?

Here are a few ideas to get you started - and, of course, if you get stuck, you can always join us in the Your Favorite You group - to learn even more tools, to have time to practice these new skills with my mentorship and guidance!

1. Practice gratitude: Take time each day to notice and appreciate the positive aspects of your life, no matter how small they may seem - remember, we call these small good things glimmers. Look for the glimmers. This can help counteract the negativity bias and train your brain to look for the good.

2. Challenge your assumptions: (Or better yet, if you’re living by Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements, have no assumptions) When you find yourself thinking negatively about a situation, take a step back and ask yourself if there might be another way to look at it. Is there a lesson or opportunity for growth hidden within the challenge? How might this be happening for me? 

3. Surround yourself with positive influences: Seek out people, books, podcasts, and other resources that inspire and uplift you. The more you fill your mind and heart with positive messages, the easier it will be to shift your perspective. You’re already doing this by listening to this podcast, but there are so many more than you can do and listen to.

4. Take action: When you're facing a challenge, focus on what you can control and take small steps forward. Even if you don't have all the answers - trust me - none of us do! - taking action can help you feel more like the powerful badass you are!

Remember, shifting your perspective is a practice, not a destination. There will be times when it feels easier than others, and that's okay. The important thing is to keep coming back to the intention of looking for the ways in which life is happening FOR you, not TO you.

I hope this podcast has inspired you to start seeing your life through a new lens. If you found value in this podcast, please share it with someone who might benefit from hearing this message from me. They will thank you for it.

Alright folks - Have a great week. I’ll see you back here next Tuesday.

Hey. It's still me. If you're listening to this podcast you might have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes, but you still feel like something is missing. 

If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to put yourself first –without guilt or apology–and treat yourself as your own best friend, I’m here to support you. 

As a certified life coach, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace your authentic self. 

In our coaching sessions, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, we’ll work together to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. You’ll learn effective communication strategies, boundary setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can’t guarantee specific outcomes as everyone's journey is unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. 

With more than a sprinkle of humor, and a lot of compassion, I’ll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

If you're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com. Go to the Work with Me page and book a consultation call. We can chat about your challenges and how I can support you.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching starting in late August. 

Thanks for tuning in, and remember: You’re fucking amazing just as you are.