#100 Pediatrics and Coaching Collide!

Read the full episode transcript

Hey, this is Melissa Parsons, and you are listening to the Your Favorite You Podcast. I'm a certified life coach with an advanced certification in deep dive coaching. The purpose of this podcast is to help brilliant women like you with beautiful brains create the life you've been dreaming of with intentions. My goal is to help you find your favorite version of you by teaching you how to treat yourself as your own best friend.

If this sounds incredible to you and you want practical tips on changing up how you treat yourself, then you're in the right place. Just so you know, I'm a huge fan of using all of the words available to me in the English language, so please proceed with caution if young ears are around.

Hey Everyone! Welcome to Your Favorite You. I am in disbelief when I say that this is podcast number 100! How is that possible??? I am so happy and so proud of myself for getting this content out to you every week. 

On the heels of my interview last week with Bev Aron about Parenting on Purpose, I wanted to reiterate some of the points we made last week and add some after I got the question “Best Parenting Advice” on one of my Instagram stories asking for questions from you all! Thank you for the inspiration, Lauren!

I am not an expert on this - after raising Jack and Owen, I will tell you that I have had plenty of fuck ups. They will tell you, too! You can go back and listen to the episode they did with me - It was episode 30 - We called it “Mom Fuck ups - part 1” because I knew there would be a sequel and possible more episodes to come after the first one. I haven’t been able to talk them into coming back on the podcast quite yet, though. 

You can also go back and listen to episode 15, which is called “Shitty advice I gave you as a pediatrician” and the follow up episode to that which is number 48 - “Amazing advice I gave you as your pediatrician!”

OK - ready for my best parenting advice as of August 2024 - this, of course, is subject to change as I learn more! I reserve the right to add to this list at any time! 

The first thing I want you to know is that you are the expert for your own child, your own children. No one else is the expert. YOU are the expert. Follow your gut. Follow your heart. Follow your nudges. This is easier said than done when there are so many experts out there telling you what to do and what not to do… the irony of the fact that I am one of the experts is not lost on me… It is hard to tune into your own gut and your own heart when you are getting information from multiple sources outside of yourself. So, take a break from it all if you must - stop watching, unfollow, unsubscribe if necessary and try to tune in to what you know is best. It might help you in this instance, and in all instances really, if you can unsubscribe from black or white thinking…. There are so many different ways to relate to your child and your children… and if you have multiple kids, you will likely have to relate to each one of them differently in order to have a connection with them. So don’t be afraid to lean into the gray areas… lean into the nuance… instead of thinking this is ‘the right’ way to do it, or that is ‘the wrong’ way to do it… know that what is right for one child or one parent or one family is often going to be not quite right for the next… 

In addition, you and your spouse, you and your ex, you and anyone who is helping you raise your kiddos can be on different pages. You are going to have a different relationship with each of your kids. You are going to have a different relationship than your spouse, your ex, their stepparents, your parents, your in-laws. This goes back to the letting go of the black and white thinking - the all or nothing thinking… There are multiple different ways to raise good humans. You can only control you. And some parents say, “Isn’t this confusing to the kids?” And no, it doesn’t have to be confusing for your kids. You can just be very honest with them. You can same something like “Your dad (or your other parent - or your grandma - or your grandpa - or your Uncle - you get the idea) I have different ideas about how we want to relate to you, and you likely will like some of the things I do more, and you will also like some of the things that your dad or whomever it is you are talking about does better and that’s ok. As your kids get older, they will figure out which parts they want to take from you and which parts they want to take from the other adults relating to them… As long as there is love at the forefront (which of course means different things to different people), there will never be too many people loving my kids… I will likely nearly always want my kids to be getting more love and connection, not less… So, the more people that love them, the better, in my opinion. So there will never be too many people loving your kids either.

Which leads me to the next thing… you can give up on trying to make life ‘fair’ for your child… whether you have one child or seven children… there is approximately zero possibility that you are going to be able to keep things fair for them… isn’t that a huge weight lifted off when I tell you that??? Even at the very basest level, your kids are going to have different experiences of you as a parent… since you are listening to this podcast, I assume that you intend to change and grow over time… Jack definitely had a different mom than Owen did… and they both had different experiences of me as a mom before I got any coaching, and then after I received coaching and I made some massive shifts in the way I go through life. If you can’t make life fair for your kids in your own home, you can definitely give up on trying to make it fair for them outside the home… (Just in case I need to make it absolutely clear here, I am not referring to basic human rights and social injustices and inequities in this discussion… If you know me at all, you know that I am all for trying to make life equitable, accessible, and inclusive…)

Onto the next idea - we are socialized to believe that our job as parents is to teach our kids. My take on this is that our kids teach us far more than we can ever possibly teach them. I encourage you to be humble, be willing to be vulnerable and be willing to let your kids be your teachers. Personally, I think my boys and even the kiddos I took care of for years as a pediatrician have taught ME far more than I could ever hope to teach them. Now, this could be in an amazing and enlightening way, like them easily forgiving someone when you might have held a grudge… or it could be in a not so amazing way, when you have a big argument or disagreement with them about something… and instead of letting your brain go down it’s natural route to how terrible you are as a person and as a parent and how disrespectful they are as a child or young adult, you choose to ask the question of yourself, “What am I learning here? What is this interaction with my child here to teach me?” You could borrow my thought “My kids were sent here to teach me all about myself!”  If you borrowed that thought, how might that change your relationship with them? How might it change your relationship with yourself?

If you notice that you seem to be reacting out of proportion to what is happening when your kids are ‘teaching you’, formerly known as acting up, in my experience this has little to do with your kids and more to do with some little part of you that is in need of healing. This is the kind of work we do in our group coaching containers all the time, so if you are noticing this, please don’t hesitate to contact me for help and guidance. 

Now, if you do want to teach them, which, of course, yes, you do, the best way is to teach them by example. Be what and who you want to see in your kids. Our actions speak far louder than our words. Have integrity and be what and who you want to see in your kids even when they are not watching! That is some powerful shit! If you are saying one thing and doing another, if your kids are anything like mine, your kids will pick up on the hypocrisy immediately, if not sooner! In my experience, it is even more powerful if you don’t try to turn it into a ‘life lesson’... keep leading by example over and over again! 

The next thing - you don’t spoil your kids by giving them too much attention. The way that food spoils is by being neglected or ignored. You can’t give them too much attention, love, patience, compassion, trust, opportunities. You CAN spoil them by giving them too much of what they don’t really need - stuff… You can’t give them too much of your attention or too much of your time - as long as you are also taking care of yourself. You will be able to give them more connection, more love, more understanding, more compassion, more patience WHEN you are first taking care of yourself! 

When you are leading with love, you don’t have to get it right with them all of the time - you only have to get it right 30% of the time in order to have a secure attachment with them. A caveat, of course, is the 70% of time you are not getting it right, I am assuming that there is no physical or emotional or sexual abuse going on… 

When you get it wrong, you don’t have to pretend that nothing went wrong. You get to be a human being who made a mistake. Once you have calmed yourself down, and you are no longer in a stress cycle - meaning you are not feeling activated anymore… (When I say you are no longer in a stress cycle, this means that You have recognized that you are not acting in alignment with who you want to be, and that you have gone into a stress response of either fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or fix - So you’ve have taken some breaths, allowed yourself to feel some feelings, maybe even moved your body to release some of the emotion, and then offered yourself some compassion and grace - if you don’t know how to do this, please let me help you figure it out!) So once you have gotten yourself out of your stress cycle, you can sincerely apologize, ask for another chance, ask for a do-over. You don’t have to pretend you have it all figured out. None of us do. I want to make that perfectly clear… None of us - not one of us that I have ever met or heard of - has life all figured out. If you pretend that you have it figured out, your kids will sense the hypocrisy again, and will figure that out pretty quickly.

When your child comes to you and wants to talk - unless there are extenuating circumstances - put down what you are doing - get down or up to their level - look them in the eyes - give them attention - and listen. Most of the time, that is all they need. For you to listen and to validate their feelings. “Man, that sounds bad.” or “It makes sense to me that you are angry”... Know that it might stir you up into a stress cycle and you might want to make your child and yourself feel better by trying to fix things for them. They usually don’t want or need you to fix things for them. You could ask them what they need from you. It likely is just going to be that they need you to sit with them for a moment and allow them to vent. You can tell them that you trust them to figure whatever it is out. And you can reassure them that if they get stuck, they can come to you or another trusted adult and you will listen again. Tell them that they can always ask for help and if they can’t figure it out on their own, you will figure it out together. Just knowing that you trust them, that they can trust you, and that you are listening and available gives kids so much courage to go out there and figure out shit on their own!

This next one is the last one and it’s going to stir some shit up, I am sure, and I am here for it. You don’t get to have dreams for your kids. You get to support them and their dreams. The only dream you get to have in relation to your kids is how YOU are going to be as a parent. You can offer them opportunities. You can be their soft place to fall if they fail. You can encourage them that it is safe to get back up and try again if that is something that they want. You can tell them it’s ok to quit if they are done. The only dream you really get to dream for your kids is the kind of parent you dream of being.

Ok, my friends, I think that is all I have for you today. If you need my help with this, or any other topic related to being a favorite version of yourself. Please reach out to me. I would be honored to be your guide. 

Thank you for being here for 100 episodes. I appreciate you.

Hey. It's still me. If you're listening to this podcast you might have followed all the rules and ticked off all the boxes, but you still feel like something is missing. 

If you're ready to learn the skills and gain the tools you need to put yourself first –without guilt or apology–and treat yourself as your own best friend, I’m here to support you. 

As a certified life coach, I provide a safe space, compassionate guidance, and practical tools to help you navigate life's challenges and embrace your authentic self. 

In our coaching sessions, whether one-on-one or in a group setting, we’ll work together to develop a deeper understanding of your thoughts, emotions and behaviors. You’ll learn effective communication strategies, boundary setting techniques, and self-care practices that will help you cultivate a more loving and supportive relationship with yourself and others.

While, of course, I can’t guarantee specific outcomes as everyone's journey is unique, what I can promise is my unwavering commitment to providing you with the skills, tools, support and guidance you need to create lasting changes in your life. 

With more than a sprinkle of humor, and a lot of compassion, I’ll be available to mentor you as you do the work to become a favorite version of yourself.

If you're ready to invest in yourself and embark on this journey, head over to melissaparsonscoaching.com. Go to the Work with Me page and book a consultation call. We can chat about your challenges and how I can support you.

I am welcoming one-on-one coaching clients at this time, and I am also going to be offering the next round of group coaching starting in late August. 

Thanks for tuning in, and remember: You’re fucking amazing just as you are.